dating another phd student

Gender & Sexuality / Opinion / Sociology of Culture

The Perils of Dating a PhD Student (or: an Honest Academic’s Dating Profile… )

by scarlettbrown · Published 8th April 2015 · Updated 12th April 2017

Graduate Student Advice Month

http://www.phdcomics.com/

Last year at a conference I was talking to one of my mentors about how it felt to be in the final year of a PhD. She asked me if I was in a relationship with anyone, and I said I wasn’t. Her reply summed it up:

“That’s probably for the best.”

Relationships are incompatible with PhDs, seems to be the conclusion. A recent BuzzFeed article really hit home with lots of my PhD friends – ‘ 24 Struggles You’ll Only Understand If You’re Dating A PhD Student ’ – it covers a lot of the issues PhD students in couples have. Put most simply, being the partner of a PhD student largely means accepting that the Thesis is the biggest part of both of your lives , and is a far bigger player in how your relationship goes than either of you are.

But how does that translate to dating? There are a lot of advice-to-students articles about how to maintain relationships, but how does that translate for the single Grad student? To address this, I thought I would offer my own, painful insight, by making suggestions for what an academic’s honest dating profile might look like.

My Self-Summary

I’m a PhD student in London, researching women in the boardroom.

What I’m doing with my life…

I’m in the last 6 months of my PhD, so I spend most of my time re-reading sections of my thesis that I have already re-written many times over, and drinking too much coffee, and getting angry with people who get between me and the coffee. Rest of the time spent hopping from one existential crisis to another, oscillating wildly between a range of contradictory emotions and over-thinking.

I’m really good at…

Adding ‘hyper’ and ‘meta’ to words to make them seem more interesting . Living on almost no money. Eating cold leftovers for a week without anyone noticing. Killing plants. Writing abstracts. Rewriting abstracts. Missing deadlines. Deconstructing the patriarchy.

The first things people usually notice about me…

General disarray and scattiness. Possibly the look of madness in the eye while I try to hold a number of theories in my head and analyse my data and finish this marking and reply to my students’ requests and apply for more funding. Sorry, what was the question again?

[Nothing says ‘date me’ like academia exhaustion, amirite?]

Favourite books, movies, shows, music and food…

Books : Critical Discourse Analysis, Conducting Qualitative Research, Analysing Qualitative Data (8 th ed.). Anything by Erving Goffman, Michel Foucault, Judith Butler or Pierre Bourdieu. Mainly I am good at buying theory books I wont have time to read, and stacking them around me on my desk to make myself feel like I’m working.

I gave up fiction in about 2008 when I got accepted into my Master’s program. Except Harry Potter, which I find is a good cure for academic insomnia.

Music – Classical, ambient, or generally anything that doesn’t have words to it, so I can listen to it while I work.

Food – I am a whizz at making a week’s worth of library-food on little to no money. The most exciting days are when conferences take place in our building and there’s free sandwiches. [Once, someone brought in a box of Krispy Kremes and there was nearly a riot.]

The six things I could never do without…

1) Mobile office – [laptop, keyboard, mouse, notebook, highlighter pens (2), dictaphone, book on Discourse Analysis, journal article on sense-making] Just in case I get caught out somewhere away from work and have to fill time: tube; train; hospital waiting room; pub the 10 minutes before the date starts. 2) Coffee 3) Coffee 4) My supervisor’s approval 5) Coffee 6) Friends/family/lovers etc.

I spend a lot of time thinking about…

Myself. My work. My insecurities. Long words that other people don’t understand, that give me an inflated sense of self-importance. Wondering if it self-indulgent to do a PhD? Is it self-involved? I think I’m pretty self-involved anyway. Maybe the PhD has made me self-involved? Was I self-involved before I started? I’m not really self-involved, just obsessed with the thesis. But is there a difference between myself and the PhD? Where does it end and I begin?

What I’m going to do when I finish the PhD. I should plan that now, if I don’t have publications I will probably never get a job. And then I really will be alone forever. My thesis is great though, I’m so excited, it’s such a privilege to do research in an area I love. Except I am a complete failure, I am definitely going to be alone forever, and definitely not going to have a career in academia. Maybe I could get out of academia? What IS outside academia?

On a typical Friday night I am…

Trying to disguise the fact that all I can think is:

“You should be writing. You should be writing. You should be writing. You should be writing. You should be writing.”

…while I try to socialise. Becoming increasingly aware that every minute spent with my friends or a dating partner is paid for in time that should be spent working.

Saying the word ‘problematise’ and realising people are looking at me strangely.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit…

I have no idea how I got this far without everyone realising I’m a fraud .

You should message me if…

You want to go for a drink and talk about my thesis. Although I definitely don’t want to talk about my thesis. Which is awkward, because I can only think about my thesis.

Also, if we’re on a date and I run away half way through it’s probably because I’ve just worked out what theoretical framework to use to make sense of my third empirical chapter, rather than because you aren’t great. Probably.

Tags: advice dating graduate advice OkCupid student

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25th February 2015

by Huw C Davies · Published 25th February 2015 · Last modified 12th April 2017

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This is hilarious. So familiar! So true! I shall issue it as a warning to all my friends & family!

Perils of dating a PhD student? Try being married to one! George and I have been together for nine years and he has been a student for eight of them. I honestly feel that at the end of it I should be awarded an honorary PhD for going through it with him!

I had a recent breakup with a PhD student and I didn’t quite understand why. I thought I was maybe the problem… But after reading your post, I understand how stressful it can be. When I showed him this blog post, he told me it’s pretty much his life right now and it’s on point. All I want to do now is give him support, even if we are not a couple anymore…

LOL! I second Jo Byrne’s comment

Great analysis!. I have graduated recently and here comes the shock!, 50 years after leaving my old University (Vienna)! Relocated to this country after marrying a Brit who was the best thing that ever happened to me, absolutely wonderful husband and father and clever too. Having supported me throughout the PhD with wise counsel he did not live long enough to see me finish it. Had quite a bit of trouble with the examiners as I dealt with a contentious subject in history and politics of events that happened in 1945 in Central Europe. There was the unspoken suspicion of bias which in the end I was able to invalidate through being able to prove that my version was indeed correct.

So, yes, getting involved in the work for a PhD does demand stamina but in the end if you have a theory and can prove it against the odds and contribute to knowledge, there is satisfaction too.

Sadly, though I pursued my research with great interest, the PhD does little for me now and I do miss male company. So, if there is a suitable academic in your circle of friends tell him my story.

Very true. I am going through this. Thirty years after my undergraduate degree. Hope to soon be through!

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Dating a phd student: a survival guide, published by steve tippins on september 11, 2019 september 11, 2019.

Last Updated on: 5th June 2024, 02:55 am

Are you dating a PhD student, or married to one? Watching your spouse go through the PhD process can be confusing at best and downright terrible at worst. Your partner may have to be away for hours (or days) at a time. And even when they are home, they have to work on the computer deep into the night, at your children’s dance recitals, and just about anywhere else imagine.

I’ve been through the PhD process and supported my wife as she began a PhD program and later, as she returned to get a second Master’s degree. I’ve also been through the PhD process myself. So I know both what dating a PhD student (or being married to one) and being a PhD student is like . I’ve also consulted for countless clients, and found many of them have the same problems–and solutions.

Keeping that experience in mind, here are a few things to remember about dating a PhD student.

7 Things to Remember for Dating a PhD Student

woman hugging her partner while he's studying in their home kitchen

1. This is a marathon and not a sprint

If you’ve been through college but not grad school, you might remember the time when you pulled an all-nighter in college and did just enough to pass a class that you were way behind in.

It’s important to remember that graduate school works differently–your partner probably doesn’t have the option of doing things halfway.

Where an undergraduate student could get by skimming the readings, grad students are expected to read everything and make intelligent comments about what they have read. Multiple choice tests are not part of the curriculum. That is to say, even “barely passing” still requires an extraordinary amount of work.

Thus, your partner will need to put in many hours of work each week, consistently, in order to achieve his or her goal. Mentally prepare yourself for this, and you’ll be less likely to take it personally when your partner doesn’t have time for you. You’ll be a better support to them, and you’ll save yourself the suffering of feeling rejected.

This is a long grind and it will take time and lots of dedication, but they will cross the finish line.

2 . Your partner will change during the process

woman with curly hair browsing through books in a library

Anything that you do for many hours a week for 3 to 8 years is bound to change you. And grad school is designed to do just that. Your partner will look at the world differently when she or he finishes.

You will probably have changed over time as well. Learn to appreciate the new way of looking at the world. Dating a PhD student can be a bit like going through the PhD program vicariously–you too will be immersed in their topic as they describe the challenges they face and the revelations they have.

Over 50% of doctoral candidates don’t finish their dissertations.

If you can think of this as a journey that you are on together, it can be a fun process of learning and discovery. That said…

3. There actually is an end

You may think that your partner will never finish the #%&$*@ program. It just seems that way. Every day he/she gets a little closer. Sometimes it may not seem like the end will come but when it does you will have new adventures in front of you and an appreciative partner. Your support, in whatever way you can give it, will make the end of the journey arrive faster (or at least feel like it).

4. The people that your partner is dealing with may seem unreasonable

There may be times when your partner talks about a particular professor in less than glowing terms. Comments like “I already did this!” or “Didn’t he see that?” are mild examples of what might be said.

stressed out woman studying with her partner trying to help

Rest assured that you do not need to jump in and defend your partner’s honor. You may think that the request is ridiculous (perhaps a nuance of APA punctuation) but it’s usually been made for a reason.

Even if the professor is truly being unreasonable, there is no need to defend your partner in these situations. Doing so will usually just make the situation worse. Instead, move on to number 5.

5. Just listen

Many times, all your partner may need is someone to listen to them. They may just need to vent a little without needing you to fix things.

Understand that there are times when your partner just needs someone to listen and not solve the problem . Being able to listen is a skill that serves all of us well. If your partner is working towards a doctorate, they can solve problems themselves–they just need a friend.

6. You may have to do some things alone

Your partner is very, very busy. You are probably aware of that already. You have a choice to sit and wait for him or her to finish or you can do some things on your own. Maybe you have always wanted to learn to play the guitar, or explore the local waterways by kayak. Perhaps there is a local group looking for mentors or other opportunities to volunteer.

woman kayaking through a lush green landscape

The point is, there are many constructive things that you can do while your partner is doing school work. It will take the added pressure off of them if they know that you can enjoy yourself on your own and aren’t dependent on them for your happiness. Think of it as a free pass to get better acquainted with yourself and try new things.

7. Anything that you can do to lighten the load is appreciated

Perhaps your partner is working, going to school, and in a relationship with you all at the same time (and maybe you even have kids!). Even balancing school and a relationship may be overwhelming if you factor getting at least one good night’s sleep a week into the equation.

There are not enough hours in the day to get everything done. Anything that you can do will be very helpful and show how compassionate and supportive you are. Do the laundry, cook dinner, and you’ll earn your place as the supportive partner of your spouse’s dreams.

Final Thoughts on Dating a PhD Student

If your partner is in a doctoral program your life will change. If you can understand what she or he is going through and try to help, your life will be much easier and your partner will really appreciate everything that you do. And, while you are being supportive, take the chance to grow yourself.

Steve Tippins

Steve Tippins, PhD, has thrived in academia for over thirty years. He continues to love teaching in addition to coaching recent PhD graduates as well as students writing their dissertations. Learn more about his dissertation coaching and career coaching services. Book a Free Consultation with Steve Tippins

female phd student laughing at the laptop

Dissertation

Dissertation memes.

Sometimes you can’t dissertate anymore and you just need to meme. Don’t worry, I’ve got you. Here are some of my favorite dissertation memes that I’ve seen lately. My Favorite Dissertation Memes For when you Read more…

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The process of earning a doctorate can be long and stressful – and for some people, it can even be traumatic. This may be hard for those who haven’t been through a doctoral program to Read more…

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PhD by Publication

PhD by publication, also known as “PhD by portfolio” or “PhD by published works,” is a relatively new route to completing your dissertation requirements for your doctoral degree. In the traditional dissertation route, you have Read more…

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How redditors spend time between classes, smart meal prep tips for students: redditors share their experience, dating while doing a phd – is it at all possible.

The juggle between the scholarly pursuits of a PhD and the search for that special someone can be quite the challenge. Amidst stacks of research papers and the glow of computer screens, PhD students are dipping their toes into the dating pool .

Key Takeaways:

Shared Experience: Dating someone who understands the academic grind can be a game-changer.
Work-Life Balance: Finding the right balance between your PhD and personal life is essential.
Communication Skills: Crafting a relatable pitch about your research can make conversations more engaging.

However, the modern-day dating scene may not be as sweet for young professionals , which raises a debate on whether it is at all possible to find your other half while earning that degree.

The Magic of Shared Experience

The key to a successful relationship during a PhD, as some scholars have found, is mutual understanding. When two academics, especially those from similar fields, couple up, they already speak each other’s language. Some people shared how dating someone in the same boat helped them navigate through their PhD journey. The shared experience not only makes communication more effortless but also provides mutual support and understanding of each other’s commitments.

How does a PhD student balance equations in the lab and emotions in the heart? It’s a delicate act, indeed. Dating another PhD student can sometimes mean too little time together due to both being too occupied. However, dating someone outside the academic world might bring the opposite issue – they may want more time than a PhD schedule permits. Another challenge, if both partners are PhD students, is finding jobs in the same region after graduation. The key lies in establishing a balance that works for both parties.

Elevator Pitch Your Way to Love

What’s the secret to explaining your PhD research without making your date’s eyes glaze over? Craft a captivating elevator pitch! Condense your research into a one or two-sentence layman-friendly summary. One Redditor suggests making your work relatable by referring to it as a job, and using terms that people outside academia can easily understand. Keeping the conversation engaging and asking about their interests can help in forming a connection that’s not solely based on your academic pursuits.

To sum it up, dating while pursuing a PhD is not without its challenges, but with the right partner, balance, and communication skills, it’s possible to brew the perfect love potion. The recipe for success seems to lie in finding someone who understands or is willing to learn about the PhD journey, and in turning those complex theories into captivating conversations.

Tips for Balancing Your Love Life and Academics

With a PhD often consuming so much of one’s life, how does one strike a balance between the pursuit of knowledge and matters of the heart?

Here’s a quick guide:

Designate time blocks for your research and your personal life, and try not to let them overlap.
Consider getting professional dissertation editing help to save time.
Keep the lines of communication open with your partner regarding your schedule and commitments.
Just as you need support in your academic pursuits, be there for your partner in their endeavors.
It might be tempting to bury yourself in books, but make sure to carve out time for dates and quality time.
When spending time with your loved one, be mentally present. Leave the research thoughts for the lab.
Engage in activities that you both enjoy, which are not related to your PhD.

With these tips you can nurture your relationships while not compromising your academic goals.

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The Guide to Dating a Grad Student

In search of a date that will keep you on your mind moving? Always in search of an academic challenge? Consider dating someone pursuing higher education—that is, a graduate student. While dating a graduate student has its ups and downs, one thing is for sure: you’ll always have something to talk about.

For some people, there’ nothing more exciting than deep conversation, and dating a grad student is one of the best ways to find that in-depth connection you’re looking for. Being a “grad student” can mean many different things, so here’s the lowdown on the common threads for dating someone in graduate school. Study up and you may just find love along the way.

Top Tips for Dating a Grad Student

Pick a flavor – There are graduate students in every field of study—math, literature, philosophy…you name it! In some cases, your date will be pursing an advanced degree that’s interdisciplinary—something that brings together two fields of study you’d never have imagined. They’re in for the long haul and the deep dive, so prepare yourself for some heavy conversation.
Dating a graduate student means dating a workaholic – Nearly every grad student not only does their own academic research, but they also make ends meet teaching or assisting in undergraduate classes. That means their time is at a premium. Making ends meet while furthering their studies is a delicate juggling act. Be sure you—and they—are up for the challenge.
Higher education is just the beginning – Dating a graduate student means dating someone who’s decided to devote their life to academic study. It’s not necessarily like dating a monk, but that level of dedication is there. That’s not a bad thing by any stretch of the imagination—dedication is a virtue—but knowing that level of dedication is there is a vital part of starting and maintaining a healthy, balanced relationship.

Pros of Dating a Grad Student

There’s always something to talk about. – Dating someone pursuing higher education naturally means you’ll be dating someone whose mind is always working. A long as you’re interested in their area of study, there will be no shortage of things to discuss—but it may be up to you to steer the conversation away from academics and back to the present moment.
Graduate students understand what it’s like to be goal- driven . – Even if you’re not a grad student yourself, dating someone who’s working hard toward a goal means that they’ll understand your own drive to complete whatever project you’re devoting your time to. As long as you’re not the needy type, a graduate student may be exactly who you’re looking for.
Explore a new way of thinking – Being accepted into graduate school means that faculty advisors have recognized the possibility that a student has a unique take on a topic. Take advantage of that whizzing brain to become inspired yourself. Maybe you’ll even be inspired to take up a new academic pursuit yourself!

Challenges of Dating a Grad Student

There’s no such thing as a rich grad student. – Sorry, but it’s the truth. Between tuition, cost of living, and looming student loans, dating a grad student isn’t for anyone hoping to live in the lap of luxury. If you’re looking for lavish nights out on the town, look elsewhere.
Be prepared to be at the whim of semester deadlines. – Whether it’s the grad student’s own work or their responsibilities teaching undergrads, dating a grad student means living by the syllabus and its due dates. You may think the mid-semester lull will be a great chance to catch up with your date, but it’s just as likely they’ll be stuck in their offices grading undergrads’ essays.
It’s possible you’re not interested in what they’re studying. – It’s possible you love your grad student date’s personality but find their academic interests a total snooze fest. That’s not an impossible hurdle to overcome, but it definitely makes it harder to be supportive when you don’t understand half of what they’re talking about.
How to Write Your Dating Profile
How to Deal With Dating Flaky People

Author: Matt Seymour, MSF

Navigating the Dating Maze: The Ups and Downs of PhD Student Romance

Listen to the article .

As PhD students, we’re no strangers to intense workloads, endless research, and the constant pursuit of academic excellence. While our focus on education and career growth is commendable, it can be challenging to maintain a healthy work-life balance . This is especially true when it comes to dating and building romantic relationships. For many of us, the dating world can be frustrating, and at times, depressing experience.

As PhD students, we face unique challenges in the dating world that can make it feel like we’re running a never-ending emotional marathon. From time constraints and financial concerns to the dreaded “ imposter syndrome “, dating as a PhD student can be a rollercoaster ride.

Time constraints

One of the most significant challenges PhD students face is finding the time for dating. Between teaching, conducting research, attending conferences, and writing papers, our schedules are often jam-packed. This leaves little room for socialising and building meaningful connections with potential romantic partners. It’s not uncommon for PhD students to prioritise their work over their personal lives, leading to missed opportunities for love and companionship.

Solution: While it’s essential to focus on your academic and professional goals, don’t forget to make time for yourself and your emotional well-being. Schedule regular breaks and carve out time in your calendar for socialising and dating. Being intentional about maintaining a work-life balance can make dating more enjoyable and less overwhelming.

Financial concerns

Pursuing a PhD is a significant investment, both in terms of time and money. With mounting student loan debt and often modest stipends, financial concerns can weigh heavily on the minds of PhD students. This can create feelings of stress and insecurity, making it difficult to fully enjoy the dating experience.

Solution: Be honest with yourself and your potential partner about your financial situation. Many people are understanding and supportive when it comes to the sacrifices that come with pursuing higher education. Remember, there are plenty of low-cost or free date ideas that can be just as enjoyable and meaningful as more expensive outings.

Intellectual compatibility

As PhD students, we’re used to engaging in deep, thought-provoking conversations with our peers and mentors. When it comes to dating, finding someone with a similar level of intellectual curiosity and ambition can be challenging. It can be disheartening when conversations with potential partners feel superficial or lack the intellectual stimulation we crave.

Solution: Seek out dating opportunities in places where you’re more likely to find like-minded individuals. Attend networking events, join clubs or organisations related to your field, or try online dating platforms that cater to professionals and academics. This will increase your chances of finding someone who shares your intellectual interests and can engage in meaningful conversations.

Imposter syndrome

Imposter syndrome, or the persistent feeling of inadequacy despite evidence of success, is a common struggle among PhD students. These feelings of self-doubt can spill over into our romantic lives, leading us to question our worthiness as partners and causing us to shy away from pursuing meaningful relationships.

Solution: Recognise and challenge your imposter syndrome thoughts. Remind yourself of your accomplishments and the value you bring to a relationship. Surround yourself with supportive friends and loved ones who can help boost your self-esteem and remind you of your worth.

Long-term c ommitments

The pursuit of a PhD often involves long-term commitments to a particular institution, research project, or geographic location. This can make it difficult to enter into a relationship, as the uncertainty of where we’ll end up after completing our degrees can create hesitancy for both ourselves and potential partners.

Solution: Open communication is key when it comes to discussing your long-term plans and commitments with a potential partner. Be upfront about your goals and aspirations and encourage your partner to do the same. This will help you both understand each other’s expectations and allow you to navigate the challenges that come with dating as a PhD student together.

Dating as a PhD student can be a daunting and sometimes depressing experience. However, by acknowledging the unique challenges we face and implementing strategies to overcome them, we can make dating a more enjoyable and fulfilling aspect of our lives.

To ensure your emotional well-being, it’s important to prioritise it, connect with individuals who share your values, and maintain open communication with potential partners. With perseverance and patience, you can navigate the complexities of dating and find companionship while pursuing your academic objectives.

Dennis Relojo-Howell is the managing director of Psychreg.

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Psychreg is a digital media company and not a clinical company. Our content does not constitute a medical or psychological consultation. See a certified medical or mental health professional for diagnosis.

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How Dating In Grad School Is Totally Different Than Dating In College

This is probably an unpopular opinion but I enjoyed grad school way more than I did college. I appreciated the smaller class sizes, the more intensive research work I got to do, and the ability to work alongside professors I'd admired for years. The academic experience wasn't the only way grad school was different from college, though. After two years as a grad student, I learned that dating in grad school brought with it an entirely new rulebook I hadn't read in college.

As a grad student, you're in a different phase of your adult life. You're most likely in charge of all of your finances now, you probably have fewer roommates, and hopefully, you're more inclined to do your laundry yourself rather than taking it all home for your mom. I know, I know. Change is scary but I can confirm that Cheetos will remain one of your main food groups so you can at least take comfort in that.

Apart from these personal life changes, you'll notice a few differences in your love life as well, especially when it comes to casually dating. Here are three ways dating in grad school is so not like dating in college . New classroom, new rules.

Dating Apps

The ability to swipe through hundreds of people in your college town and the potential to match with literally anyone who catches your eye both sound ideal.

In college:

This thought process works out pretty well in college, especially since almost the entire student body is on dating apps, anyway. It's a quick way to meet new people or maybe even find out if that girl from your chemistry lab likes you back (you know, assuming you swipe right on her and it's a match). Dating apps are basically perfect for college because of how easy they are to use and how non-committal the whole swiping ritual is. It's rarely ever awkward bumping into your college classmates on Tinder because it's just what people do in college.

In grad school:

This all seems a lot less appealing once you get to grad school. Presumably, your age preferences in grad school widen a bit leaving you open to a couple risks. The first is that you'll be swiping through professors who might be teaching your classes or whom you might be working closely with on a research project. Either way, it's sure to leave a queasy feeling in your stomach that'll make you question whether or not you really need to be on dating apps at all.

The other more horrifying risk, though, is the thought of accidentally matching with one of your students on a dating app. If, like I did, you work as a teaching assistant throughout your master's program, chances are you'll be teaching your own classes or, at the very least, grading papers for another professor's very large class. Keeping track of all of the students you interact with on a daily basis becomes difficult in a class of 150 students. You won't know them all by name and you might not always immediately recognize them outside of class — like on dating apps.

To avoid this potentially disastrous mishap, I'd recommend narrowing your dating app preferences significantly and avoiding swiping right on anyone who lists your school as the one that they attend. With fewer potential matches to swipe through, you'll be better able to determine which of them might be students of yours and which of them might actually be suitable dates.

Study Dates

Everyone knows " study date " is code for, "I like you, let's spend some uninterrupted, quiet time together so we can do literally anything else besides study."

That's just as true in college as it is in high school. Asking your crush to have a study date with you is college-speak for Netflix and chill. Even if you do study for a couple hours, the conversation will eventually become more casual, you'll both be more relaxed, and it won't be long before you're studying each other. This still counts as biology, right?

Unfortunately, in grad school, a study date is a study date — no matter how badly you'd like to swipe all the papers off the desk and get busy. It's not because grad students are boring or have lower sex drives or anything like that. It's simply because, in grad school, you really do need all the study time you can get. Grad school reading assignments are exhaustive (hundreds of pages per class every week) and final papers can often be well over 30 pages long so winging it is out of the question. Not only are the classes more difficult but the grading policies are stricter. In my program, a B was equivalent to an F and anything below that meant automatic expulsion.

In addition to your weekly work load, you spend a lot of time traveling to academic conferences and submitting your work for publication — both tasks that require an extraordinary amount of prep time. For those students interested in careers in academia, presenting at national conferences and publishing a certain number of peer-reviewed articles before graduation are crucial to their professional advancement. That said, it's not uncommon for grad students to spend a lot of time together actually getting work done... even if they are interested in each other. The truth is that real study dates in grad school are kind of fun; it's comforting to know the other person is going through the same things you are and it's exciting to have someone to talk about your work with.

It's not like the types of places in any given town change between your college graduation and your grad school acceptance so why should your date spots be any different?

Once you've turned 21, the drinks date is fairly standard in college. You probably have a list of local bars with the best happy hours saved on your phone and you've already figured out the best route to walk back to your apartment if you have too much to drink. Best of all, since college bars tend to run outrageous drinks specials, it won't even cost you that much to #turnup.

The college bar is risky in the same way dating apps are risky in grad school — you'll probably run into your students doing body shots on a high top and honestly, there's very little chance of saving the date after that. With college bars off-limits and fancier restaurants a little out of your teaching assistant's budget, coffee shops and more laid-back lounges are the go-to date spots in grad school.

Honestly, any chance just to get off campus would probably qualify as a date. Apart from avoiding your students by heading to a coffee shop, you'll actually be able to hear your date and enjoy their company somewhere more low-key.

Even if you go straight from college to grad school, you'll notice right away that things are a little different. Academically, you'll want to dedicate more time and effort to your work. Socially, you'll find yourself surrounded by similarly intellectual people who are passionate about the same subjects that you are. Romantically, just do your best not to date your students!

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Is dating another grad student doomed to failure?

By maelia8 January 19, 2015 in The Lobby

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LilithWntDwn2TN

Well, it's not exactly the same, but I met my husband while visiting home for Christmas break my freshman year. After three weeks, I asked him what kind of relationship he wanted. I was fine with having a casual relationship or a serious one and dealing with long-distance. I asked him which one he wanted. IN my case, he wanted to try a serious, long-term relationship, and we've been together ever since. Of course, he could have gone the other way, but in either case, I would have known what he wanted.

So, basically, I think it's a good idea to lay your cards on the table and ask him what he wants. You might get hurt (or not), but you won'd have this uncertainty and will be able to look for someone who will want the same things you do.

Best of luck!

brown_eyed_girl

I may not be the most qualified to answer, but I don't think you should be afraid to take risks and see where they take you. Different people have different priorities: some put career above all, some would rather follow the chance of a family and would be completely fine making that sacrifice. Personally, I'd rather have tried to see where it goes than to cut it short for fear of the worst. To me, if following that path to a happy relationship means I sacrifice my dream job/location (which, by the way, is not permanent.. there's still time later on to move and get that dream job) then I'm okay with that. And if it doesn't work out, then you'll know you gave it a shot and there's so much more out there for you to move on and keep going. You can't always know that things will work out, but even if you end up apart, there's always long distance options. The best option is just to be completely honest with him now, so you both know what to expect.

It's not innately doomed to failure, it depends on the relationship and the career goals of the people in question.

I know some academic couples that have constant long-distance relationships (NY to Brazil, in one case) and do well. I know some where one or the other or both was happy to find a lower-prestige job (full time teaching, alternate academic career, etc) and they were able to make it work. I know other cases where both were rising starts in their field, and were able to both land TT jobs at the same school.

The more flexible the two of you are both on career goals and relationship, the easier it is to make it work.

I do suggest googling/reading on the Chronicle about the two-body problem, as that's what you're facing. There's a lot of great advice that's been written, more than I can hope to condense here.

rising_star

For me, I'd risk it. But, I tend to just let myself fall in love and then deal with things as they come up. I dated another grad student for over a year but, ultimately, it didn't work out because I wanted to move for my PhD and they wanted to stay in that area and work in a job they'd found. During my PhD, I dated someone that wasn't a grad student. That relationship ended because the person I was dating wasn't interested in the uncertainty of where I might live next (there are zero job prospects for me in the place where I got my PhD). You really can never know whether even someone with a mobile career is willing to follow you. I say take the chance and just see what happens. Good luck!

I don't have any personal experience with this! However, since you asked about success stories, I'll echo what others said about it not being doomed to fail.

I do think that they are higher risk though, because I've seen many such relationships fail and sometimes they fail in dramatic ways. But, I would say that for each graduate student relationship I've seen fail, I've seen just as many (if not more) relationships that are successful. Actually, it seems like there are more success stories when the couple are at different stages in their career!

In some cases, the couple do have a few years of long distance, but there are certain areas of the world / US where there is a high enough density of institutions that the couple works at different universities but still live together. The "sacrifice" is that often one or both of them would have a fairly long commute. However, for three recent couples that did the "long commute" thing, all of them are now working at (or about to start new jobs at) the same institution. In these three cases that come to mind, one is a tenure-tracked professor and the other is currently employed as a contract-based/temporary research scientist/postdoc with an opportunity for a future tenure track position.

These are just a few anecdotes and what works for each person depend a lot on what each of you values of course! But just wanted to provide some success stories. I'd also second Eigen's suggestion to look on the Chronicle.

juilletmercredi

I know several academic couples who were either dating before graduate school and went in at the same time, and/or have graduated and are doing their things together. There are many permutations of what they have decided to do.

Some of them arranged their plans so that they could stay physically in the same place. Example 1: A friend of mine is in year 6 of her program. Her partner was thousands of miles away at another PhD program in a different field. Partner, for a variety of reasons that included their relationship, quit his program and moved to Grad City. He worked for a few years and then joined a PhD program in the metropolitan area of Grad City. Then the shoe was on the other foot; my friend moved to the suburban place where her partner is. She's on the market now, but she's looking only for positions in the metropolitan area around where her partner is in his program, since her partner still has another 3-4 years to go.

I know of many examples like that. In some cases, my friends and colleagues were able to get postdoctoral positions at the same universities or nearby ones so they could wait for their partners to finish up. In other cases, friends and colleagues actually left academia, preferring to work nearby their partner than do an academic job far from their partner. In still other cases people got lucky and got jobs in the same places as where their partner was employed/still in programs. And in other cases, I have had colleagues move across the region or country to follow an academic partner.

And some of them chose to be apart for some limited (or indefinite) period of time. I'm in the latter group and my husband isn't even an academic - but he started a degree program towards the end of my PhD, and I got offered an excellent postdoc, so I moved 250 miles away (with his encouragement). I know some other academics who have chosen to do this, and it is both less and more common than you'd think. It's more common in the sense that a lot of people do it, but it's less common in the sense of WHO does it. Most of the academics I know who live apart from their partners (academic or not) are older academics who are more advanced in their careers and have heard the mantra that you need to sacrifice if you want to succeed in academia. Most of the ones I know who have moved the earth to make things work are younger folks in my own generation, who have decided that they don't want to live apart from their families and would rather entertain a greater diversity of postgrad options.

In my case, the separation has positives and negatives. The negatives outweigh the positives, of course, but a few good things are that I have a lot more time to focus on me and my own work without the (often welcome!) distractions of a partner and that I have an entire apartment all to myself, haha. However, we have jointly decided that this is the last time we are doing this (we were also medium-distance for the first 4 years of my doctoral program). After this we are living together; if that means that I have to leave academia, then I will. But he's also pretty flexible about the academic thing, so flexibility and understanding is key. The good thing about dating another academic is that they understand that need for flexibility and what academia is like. (My husband is incredibly observant and empathetic, so even though he is not an academic he has absorbed a lot of the norms of the field and he "gets it." People would ask what my dissertation was about and what a PhD is like during parties, and he'd explain it almost as well as I could lmao.)

The thing to remember is that this is not limited to graduate students. Academics do have some location-limited jobs, but so do other high-powered professionals. You could later date an actor who needs to be in Los Angeles or New York; or a financier who needs to be in London or New York or Charlotte; or a public health practitioner who really needs to be in Atlanta.

I thus agree with the general advice that you should take a risk and just figure things out as you go along. For now, enjoy the relationship. You've got 12 months before you really have to think about this. And then in October or November of this year, when it's more clear where he's going to be in the next couple years - see how you feel. A lot can change in a year. You may not still be together. Or you may be deeply in love and he decides he wants to stay in Your City until you finish. Or you may be deeply in love and decide to do long-distance for a couple of years until you get done, or at least until you are dissertating and can move to where he is. Lots of my friends in the humanities dissertated long distance so they could be with partners or family.

St Andrews Lynx

dr. t and .letmeinplz//

"It is sometimes a mistake to climb, it is always a mistake never even to make the attempt... [When you climb and fall,] sometimes you wake up. Sometimes the fall kills you. And sometimes, when you fall, you fly." - Neil Gaiman, "Fear of Falling," Sandman #29

Secret_Ninja , have2thinkboutit , angel_kaye13 and 1 other

Maybe it's because I'm finally settled in one place for a few years, or maybe it's because I'm getting a bit older and starting to seriously consider the possibility of marriage and a family a ways down the road, but I'm noticing that my priorities are starting to shift and that I really want a relationship that has a chance for the long-term and is less casual. I've always been dead set against long-distance before, but now I think that for the right person, I might be willing to try it. Recognizing this shift in myself is as terrifying as it is exhilarating, as for years I've been the type of person to guard my feelings somewhat to minimize impact in the case of a breakup. I realize that being truly in love with someone and maturing into a potential long-term partner involves a whole different level of honesty, openness, and willingness to expose the more delicate parts of your heart, and I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed right now as I contemplate this.

I just hope I'm brave enough and honest enough to lay my cards on the table when the time comes.

TakeruK , document , rising_star and 4 others

angel_kaye13

Yes. ;-) J/k. Ornery moment. But seriously: over-analyzing. It's good to think about things like this, but don't over-analyze. IF you're going to over-analyze, consider the alternative: being celibate your entire grad career, or dating people that probably have no similar interests?? That doesn't make a whole lot of sense. There's the stress of grad school to consider, for sure, but that doesn't necessarily equate suffering on your part or the part of your studies; that is purely personal variables that can only be determined by yourself, I think as someone already sort of mentioned. Either way, you have to decide if it's worth it or not. But to simply exempt someone because they're in grad school? Seems a little silly to me.

Maybe it's because I'm finally settled in one place for a few years, or maybe it's because I'm getting a bit older and starting to seriously consider the possibility of marriage and a family a ways down the road, but I'm noticing that my priorities are starting to shift and that I really want a relationship that has a chance for the long-term and is less casual.

I feel you on this one. I started dating a fellow grad student my first year. It was my first serious relationship. Three years later we are setting a timeline for marriage and my priorities are definitely shifting. I used to put ALL my energy into work and school and saw nothing but the most rigorous and prestigious academic career in my future. Now I'm more content smelling the roses, enjoying time with him, and I'm starting to value having a job in the future that allows me to free my mind when I come home from work. Love changes things. :-)

2 weeks later...

I think it is a fairly common experience. I started my grad program when I was 25 too, and shortly thereafter began dating another Ph.D. student in another program- who is one year ahead of me. Next year he will most likely be moving away, and we will be long-distance. That has never been 'fun' for me, but the relationship is worth it. The good thing is you'll have a significant amount of time together before the other leaves, and outside of academia, there are more job options in nearby cities (I would imagine). As another poster here said- people in all career tracks face this kind of thing, so it's no reason to stop what appears to be a good relationship! Good luck!

.letmeinplz//

There's no guarantee that if you meet a man outside of grad school it wouldn't fail, either. Just do it.

Yeah, this isn't really a challenge to a relationship compared to the hundreds of other challenges that relationships face.

My parents have had thousands of miles between them at several points for extended periods of time in their marriage (you know, war and stuff) and they are still together. I don't think temporary distance breaks a relationship, it will just exacerbate problems that will. So if you a mature enough to solve problems and understand it will be more difficult to do so from some distance, it won't matter in the long run.

FoggyAnhinga

I do know a few friends who dated fellow grad students, and ultimately it comes down to how compatible you and the other person will be together (after all, grad students are human beings, and no two students are identical). For some, it went well, while for others, not so well. But if I can think of a positive side to dating a fellow grad student (or a medical student/resident, as for my case, haha - I'm currently in a LDR with a medical resident), it is that your significant other will easily understand and relate to any complex academic/research stresses & troubles you are going through (non-grad student SOs can understand easily too, I'm not denying that... but some might not).

Now, as for dating a fellow grad student in your own department... that is something I would not recommend (esp. if your department is small). Sure, some people maintained happy relationships meeting their SO in their own department, but for couples which this didn't go so well, it can end up somewhat awkward (while they were dating, they shared the same facility, took same classes, and also saw each other ~24 hrs if they were living together, but once their relationship starts to fall apart, it becomes rather unpleasant to have to continue facing and interacting each other every day at work).

As for me... I had a VERY hard time finding a date during my master's, mainly because most of the people in my cohort were quite a few years older than I was (I was one of the very few first year master's students who entered the program directly from undergrad), and most of the women were already dating/engaged/married. Plus, working at a remote research station for a large portion of my master's didn't exactly improve my dating scene, haha...

Yeah, it seems like the location factor is huge for those who pursue a Masters degree and get into the dating world. When I start my Masters this fall, I definitely want to get 'more' into the dating world and to be very flexible with it...whether my future partner is not in a graduate program or in a graduate program regardless of the field of study and/or location.

Aw, how nice. I'm single, but I hope to get to this point soon. I'm only in my last year and undergrad and have been practically killing myself with anything academic nearly most of my life. I graduated with a 3.8 in high school and will be graduating with about the same for my Bachelors this Spring. I'm ready to move away from that just a tad bit lol.

If you are both in it for long term relationships, then it is definitely worth keeping the relationship. In my mind, if it's worth it, you'll both make it work when the time comes for you both to make a plan for the future.

I definitely agree(d) with this, but a couple months ago I not only started dating a student in my department, but one who is in my year and works in the same lab. (whoops)

1 month later...

Update: in a few weeks, we will have made it to the six-month marker. For at least a month now, I've been biting back the desire to tell him that I love him, because I'm terrified of what he's going to say. By the end of the summer he will be making his decision about where to take a job next year, and although chances are good that the job would be within this metropolitan area (i.e. within a 45 minute drive of the city we live in now), I don't know how to discuss this with him.

I want to let him know somehow that because I'm a mature, rational adult, I understand that he needs to make his decision and follow his own heart and that I won't pressure him to decide to stay for me, but on the other hand, because I love him, I'd be overjoyed if he stayed in the area and I'd be willing to make compromises so that we can stay together (i.e. live in another part of the metro area to be closer to him, drive to see him on weekends, etc.). He is opposed to long-distance (and frankly, I wouldn't see any healthy end to the time spent apart in this situation, which would be my condition for starting such a relationship in the first place).

I made a promise to myself that if after six months I was sure I was in love, I'd be honest with him about my feelings (if I don't set a deadline I may never get up the courage). I don't know whether my confession will necessitate talking about the issue of his future location posthaste, but I'd really like to keep that a separate talk (I know it can be pretty intense when somebody drops the L-bomb, especially if you're not expecting it). Any advice on how to navigate both of these interactions in a healthy, mature, and not super weighted fashion? I don't want to make a big deal out if it, and I want to give him time to think about his response if he needs to.

Congrats! To be honest, I think that what you said here is perfect for relaying to him, particularly the second paragraph. I feel like it might be difficult to keep the talks separate, though (I can imagine them just kind of merging into one another), and I think that if they were one single talk, as counter-intuitive as it may seem, the whole thing may come off as less overbearing? I'm not sure if that makes any sense. But I feel that it may give everything context: you want to know his future plans because you love him, and you're telling him all this now because you want to see what the future holds. After six months, I feel like that's pretty reasonable. I think that as long as you let him know "this is how I feel, don't feel obligated to respond in any specific way," then he'll know where you stand and he'll have time to think about where he stands.

Also, I'm trying to decide whether confessing on our anniversary or on my birthday (which are a week apart) would be a good idea, or whether I should just wait until the fuss dies down a few days afterwards and bring it up casually. Thoughts?

I wouldn't recommend doing it on your birthday; I'd worry about him saying something he didn't mean just because it was your birthday and he didn't want to upset you, or wanted to make you happy, etc. (hope that doesn't sound too harsh). Anniversary is a maybe, I guess depending on what you guys do, what you talk about, etc. If you make it the focal point of the evening, then it may come off as a big deal, but if you guys are already having "that kind of night" where bringing up something like that wouldn't be completely out of the blue, then I think it would be fine. If you don't get a chance on your anniversary then I wouldn't stress it, and just wait until another day when you guys are having a nice night in.

You're right, I should probably just wait for an ordinary day after those two events are over. I doubt we'll be doing anything fancy for the anniversary, neither of us is into big fusses over things like that, but if I bring it up at dinner on that night it would seem pretty loaded.

I wouldn't do it on your birthday or the anniversary, to be honest. You don't want to ruin or mar either one of those days. Definitely do it when it feels right though. Just saying that you love someone doesn't obligate you to have a whole long conversation about your future, as I'm sure you know.

@rising_star Yes, I actually hope that the "I love you" is able to just come at some random time when it feels right, but I want to be prepared in case the conversation about the future evolves naturally from that.

I don't think there's anything wrong with being honest about how you're feeling, and simply asking whether he is looking for something short-term or whether he sees potential for something longer. There are no guarantees with any relationship, but (unless he's a total commitment-phobe anyhow) it doesn't hurt to check in to gauge his interest. The sooner you're on the same page the better. (And by this I don't mean, "Hey, do you think you see us getting married in X number of years and would you turn down a great job for me?" but a more general kind of open-ended query to get a feel for where you stand.)

This actually happened to me this year, but with a slightly different set of circumstances -- I started dating someone in September, right before starting my PhD applications, and let him know I might be moving soon. We were immediately crazy about each other, so since he knew I might be moving he brought up pretty early on that he had strong feelings for me and would consider moving with me. We're still going strong and he's planning to move cross-country with me in the Fall! I'm so glad we discussed it early on - the last thing I needed going through applications was the stress of thinking of leaving him behind.

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Are younger grad/masters students who date undergrads looked down upon/avoided/isolated?

someone mentioned that Grad students who did this are looked down upon and not invited to events so I had to ask, in your experience, are the younger grad/masters students(22-24)? who have dated undegrads looked down or isolated/avoided by their peers? I heard they are looked down upon for having to dip down or something? Were they emotionally stunted and failures/sleazeballs? So what has it been like in your experiences?

The main issue of grad student-undergrad student dating is if the graduate student is, or will be, a TA for the undergraduate or in another position of responsibility, such as in a lab. If there is no power differential, there is no problem at all.

For example, if you are a Masters or PhD student in Engineering, there is absolutely no issue with you dating a history undergraduate.

In fact, undergraduate Seniors and Juniors are closer in age to graduate students who are around 22-24 than are older graduates students who are in mid to late 30s.

Check the university’s policies before making ANY assumptions. If you are a housemaster and date an undergrad in your own house you could end up on the losing end of a battle with HR when the relationship goes south (as it often does). Bye bye stipend, bye bye grad school. You could be a PhD student in engineering and your romantic attachment could be a classics major- but that’s not how the U is likely to interpret the situation.

There are written policies on virtually every college campus right now. Go check. Doesn’t matter if your friends think you’re sleazeball if you get kicked out of your program.

It seems only TA/Student relations are banned

Are grad students who do this looked down upon?

In my opinion no. My son is a first year veterinary student and his gf of 3 years is a senior. No issues. Everyone loves her and they are included in whatever socially distanced activities they have. His friend is in a masters of kinesiology program and is dating a Junior he met as an undergraduate. No issues. They are both younger graduate students (son is 21 and his friend 22) and gf’s are 21 and 20 respectively. But no one checked on their ages. I think a 30yo grad student dating a brand new freshman might be more of an issue to some people.

People may look down on a 36 year old grad student who is dating a 19 year old undergrad. A 23 year old grad student dating a 20 year old undergrad? No.

Again - so long as you aren’t their TA or in another position of power, there is no problem.

PS. My wife was a CS undergraduate when I was an environmental biology masters student.

Yes, it’s possible that someone, some people look down upon such relationships at some places and some situations

There are certain risks out there if you are dating someone where you have certain controls over career and/or academic paths. There could be conflict of interest issues. Also grad student dating new freshmen might be looked upon with askance. I see little issue at all with undergrad upperclassmen dating grad students.

I was 22 when I met my husband - he was 30 at that point. I never even thought to WONDER how people looked at our relationship. We were both in grad school, though. We had two classes together. My dad was his supervising professor. ?

I mean not as TA How is it seen overall

Also, are grads who hang out with undergrads seen as losers

If you are a 25 year old grad student hanging around the new freshman, … uh, yes, you might be regarded as a bit odd. You hang around a variety of places and start dating a junior or senior, hardly a blink. In certain situations, you might appear predatory, yes. A bit of common sense in this and serendipity. One thing to happen to meet an undergrad, a whole other to be focusing your social scene on the new frosh.

There has been more of focus these days on situations where women, in particular, find themselves kinda stuck with the certain relationships due to power plays. If things go sour in a relationship, there are dangers of such accusations if the situation looks like that.

Yeah, as mentioned, it really depends on how you go about doing this. If you’re a younger graduate student who just happens to meet and become close to an undergraduate who is not in any of your classes (and preferably, not in your department at all), most people who know the circumstances are not really going to look down on that.

But if you make it an express goal to date undergrads, and you’re always at undergraduate events because you want to meet undergrads to date, and/or you date a string of people and they are ALL undergrads - that is going to start to look a little weird.

By the time graduate school rolls around, people are far less concerned what other people are doing with their lives. Other graduate students may not even know that you are hanging out with undergrads mostly, and even if they do if you come across as a relatively normal person otherwise, most people probably won’t even think about it.

What you shouldn’t do socially is a different matter, but legally, or at least morally, it’s very easy to determine what you shouldn’t do. If you’re in a position to affect, in any way, the life of who you would be dating, don’t do it. This principal applies, or at least should apply, everywhere.

A few things

So its fine to like naturally mingle with undergrads/attend events
Well, I just have a fear my youth is over/ending and like I don’t feel like I’m in such a different life stage compared to people like at most 1-3 years younger than me or like some old guy trying to hold on to his youth

What events are you thinking of attending- a “get to know you” for freshmen? No, that’s not naturally mingling since you are not a freshman, or part of the catering staff. A rehearsal/tryout for the wind ensemble? If you play a wind instrument and want to try out (and it’s open to anyone with a university affiliation) then sure- go ahead.

See the difference?

I dated my now husband when I was an undergrad and he was in grad school. We are only two years apart in age and didn’t overlap with our majors at all.

My D has close friends who are PhD students and they hang out regularly (again outside her major).

No one is looking down on anyone for how they choose to socialize.

Are you a first year grad student dating a senior? No issue.

Are you a 4th year PHD student dating a freshman? I can see where that could be an issue…why do you need to date a much younger person? For control? Do your peers not see you as mature?

If you happen to meet someone, that you may be interested in, will you ask them, “are you an undergrad?”

Are all bets are off if that person happens to be a graduate student?

If your primary focus is to find and date someone who is primarily and specifically a young “undergraduate student” then, yes I see it as a problem. Dating a younger person may not make you feel younger, it may make you feel a lot older even though you may only be 4-6 years apart in age.

You are aware that there are older undergraduate students that may be returning to school, from careers or from decisions later in life… Would those people be off limits for you because they’re older?

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CAREER FEATURE
25 June 2024

How researchers navigate a PhD later in life

Elizabeth Landau 0

Elizabeth Landau is a science writer based in Washington DC.

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Krista Bresock sat crying in her professor’s office. She had to discuss one of five questions with her professor, in person. It was the concluding step of her final exam in functional analysis, the last course that she needed to complete for her PhD in mathematics. He’d shuffled a set of five cards, and she’d picked Card Number Two — corresponding to the one problem that she had not fully studied.

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doi: https://doi.org/10.1038/d41586-024-02109-x

Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development. Education at a Glance 2019: OECD Indicators (OECD, 2019).

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3 reasons why dating online can create lasting marriages—by a psychologist.

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Dating apps aren’t just for fleeting connections. Here’s how they can contribute to a romantic ... [+] foundation for a lifetime.

While the process of dating online can be a source of frustration for many, research shows that more than one-third of marriages in America begin online.

You may have heard or experienced your fair share of dating app mishaps and let-downs, with swiping for a match feeling like an endless chore . However, it appears that there are a lot more “success stories” from these apps than we realize.

With the right approach, these platforms can foster deep emotional bonds, provide opportunities for meaningful communication and help users find partners who align with their long-term goals and values.

A 2023 study published in Communication Research examined the pathway of meeting on a dating app to ultimately getting married. Liesel Sharabi, author of the paper, found that her participants’ success stories shared three common elements that explained why these relationships had flourished.

Here are three reasons why meeting online can result in enduring marriages, according to the study.

Best High-Yield Savings Accounts Of 2024

Best 5% interest savings accounts of 2024, 1. they lay the groundwork for deeper intimacy.

Online dating has the unique ability to create a strong foundation of intimacy between partners. Sharabi discovered that the digital nature of these interactions encourages self-disclosure and meaningful conversation from the start. Because these relationships often begin without the distractions of physical proximity, communication becomes the core of the connection.

“We probably asked a few questions that we generally don’t ask until six months in. If you’re smart, you ask them long before you ever get married,” says Holly, a participant from the study, who found that dating online encouraged essential discussions that brought her and her partner closer.

Research shows that effective communication is vital in building emotional intimacy, sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction in the long-run.

“We have pretty good communication, but I think that was the tone we set from the jump. We spent a lot of time talking so we still spend a lot of time talking, even when it’s uncomfortable,” says Lakeisha, another participant from the study.

2. They Help Expand Your Dating Pool

Online dating platforms often introduce people to strangers outside of their existing social circles, allowing them to meet potential partners they would have never encountered through friends or family. This broadening of the dating pool offers a fresh start, as these connections are not influenced by preconceived notions or judgments from shared networks.

“You’re not meeting someone from a friend who already has preconceived notions. You’re not getting someone else’s opinion. You’re forming your own opinion,” says Holly.

While this might mean fewer common experiences to draw from initially, Sharabi suggests that a couple that meets online has the opportunity to build an entirely new connection, based on relationship-enhancing factors such as shared goals and core values, a process of deeper learning about one another and an ongoing, conscious effort to adapt to each other’s backgrounds and social networks.

“We had no mutual friends, no immediate mutual interests and he was from a completely different state. We had to connect in other ways, value-wise and personality-wise instead of experience-wise,” explains Sunny, a participant from the study.

3. They Allow You To Date Mindfully

Online dating can prompt individuals to make more intentional and thoughtful decisions when choosing a partner. Sharabi suggests that with access to a larger pool of potential matches, people are less likely to settle due to convenience, limited options or a fear of being single .

“I think it has made me more sure of our relationship, because I was able to directly compare him to other people and because I chose him instead of people who would have been easier to be with,” says Naomi, a participant who highlights how dating apps made her more confident in her choice of partner as someone who truly meets her standards.

Research shows that being a mindful relationship partner, from the beginning of the dating process and throughout one’s relationship can improve its quality and meaningfulness in the long-term.

“It forced me to slow down, to think more about it, to learn more about the person before I became involved,” explains Adriana, a participant who also felt empowered by conscious decision-making through dating apps.

Dating app success stories depend largely on a couple’s intentions and approach. It’s vital to use these platforms with purpose. What you seek from the app, how well you understand and enforce your own dating standards and the effort you put into nurturing the connection all play a crucial role. Asking important questions early on and ensuring compatibility are also key steps in building a solid foundation.

Dating apps, when used mindfully, can be powerful tools for forming meaningful and enduring relationships. Remember, the journey doesn’t end when you match with someone great—it’s how you cultivate and sustain that relationship that transforms it into a lasting one.

Wondering if your dating app use is helpful or problematic? Take this test to receive science-backed answers: Problematic Tinder Use Scale

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A college closes every week. How to know if yours is in danger of shutting down.

As if finding a suitable , affordable college isn’t hard enough, students must also find one that isn’t likely to close on them, experts say.

Every week, on average, a college or university closes , according to an analysis by the State Higher Education Executive Officers Association. That’s up from about two a month last year and could worsen this fall as college enrollment dwindles further, experts said.

When schools close, fewer than half of the students transfer to another school, the executive officers association said. Of those who do, less than half graduate, it said. The others who reenrolled and didn’t finish, just added to their student debt and “added to the population of students who have some college but no credential,” the association said.

That means choosing a school that’s the right fit for you and affordable isn’t enough. You also need to research the school’s financials to ensure its solvency, said Jack Wallace, director of governmental and lender relations at Yrefy, a private student-loan company.

“You’ve got to look at the school’s financials, liquidity and endowments,” he said, noting the work is like researching a company to decide whether to buy its stock.

Why are so many schools closing?

Many small private schools, both for-profit and nonprofit, depend on tuition to operate. With enrollments trending lower for more than a decade, smaller schools with little to no endowments are having trouble staying afloat , experts said.

Undergraduate enrollment in 2023 was 15% below peak levels from fall 2010, “with no meaningful growth expectation on the horizon,” Fitch Ratings said . “Eroding consumer sentiment on the affordability of a higher education degree and unfavorable longer-term demographic trends for high school graduate totals together could translate into demand pressure well into the next decade for the sector.”

New federal rules are also squeezing budgets, Fitch said. Overtime pay is required for salaried employees earning less than about $55,000 a year, up from the $35,568 threshold. “For colleges already managing extremely tight or deficit operations, any additional mandated costs will compound budgetary stress,” Fitch said.

And “what may be a final nail in the coffin is the FAFSA debacle,” said Shannon Vasconcelos, financial aid consultant at Bright Horizons College Coach. “There’s a decrease in the number (of FAFSAs) submitted, and that leads to enrollment decreases.”

The number of high school seniors who submitted the Free Application for Federal Student Aid through June had dropped 11.6% from a year ago, according to National College Attainment Network.

What red flags should students look for in a school?

It’s not a perfect science, Vasconcelos said, but some steps students and families can follow to get a sense of how well capitalized a school is include:

ProPublica Nonprofit Explorer allows you to search the financials of any nonprofit organization, including schools. “Look at the net income over several years and see if it consistently has huge profits each year, whether it’s positive net income or negative, or in a downward trend,” Vasconcelos said. “If it’s losing money or if net income’s trending down, that can be a real red flag the finances are not working well at this college, and you might want to give it a little extra thought about enrolling.”
Search the school on the internet “and throw in words like 'finances' and 'layoffs' to see if there’s any news about the school’s financial issues,” she said. “A closure usually doesn’t happen totally out of the blue . Usually, you’ll see some news about layoffs and budget cuts for a number of years before closure happens.”
Take a tour and ask yourself, “How are the physical state of buildings?” she said. “Are there improvements or decrepit buildings? Are there signs of innovations or status quo? Are they adding new programs or not? These can give you an idea of whether they have money to invest in new things.”
Common Data Set is standardized data every school collects and publishes. “It will be on the school’s website but sometimes it’s buried,” Vasconcelos said. “So, you may want to Google the college’s name and ‘common data sets’ to find it. It will have numerous years of data, and it’s in a consistent format from school to school so it’s easy to compare.”

Within the common data set, she said, the two biggest things to examine are:

Enrollment data in Section B. “If enrollment’s consistently declining, the school could be struggling,” she said. “It can be a strategy to cut back enrollment to keep afloat, but you need to consider if it’s a bad sign.”

Amount of institution non-need-based scholarships and grants in Section H2A, line O. “This sounds counterintuitive, but these are recruitment scholarships. If these are increasing, it could be seen as a measure of desperation,” Vasconcelos said. “They could be trying to draw in more students that pay tuition.”

Education costs: Can I afford to send my children to college? This question helped me see other options.

Don't go broke: How to pay for college without going broke? Let us count the ways

Taking these steps doesn’t guarantee your school won’t close, but they can minimize your risk of it happening and your dropping out as a result.

“In the best situations, colleges that close have prepared and worked out mergers with other colleges or transfer agreements with other colleges they’ve partnered with so students can get automatic admission as a transfer student,” Vasconcelos said. “They’ll try to ease the path for existing students, but it’s always major disruption and not every student will take that. The new school may be far away, social adjustment may be hard, credits may not transfer. It can be major disruption, and the school may not be a right fit anymore.”

Medora Lee is a money, markets, and personal finance reporter at USA TODAY. You can reach her at [email protected] and subscribe to our free Daily Money newsletter for personal finance tips and business news every Monday through Friday morning.

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Specific Advice about Grad-Undergrad Friendships & Relationships (US)

I am 21/M, and I am about to start my PhD at a R-1 university in the US in two weeks (if it matters, it's a southeastern state.) A month ago, I started talking to a 19/F on an online chat platform - she is also joining the same university this year, as an undergrad freshman . We have become pretty good friends over the past month, and we plan to hangout in person & keep in touch in the future. To clarify, I am not a TA for any of her classes, and there is no power dynamic involved. Since I am an international student, I do not know much about the culture associated with social interactions in the US, especially in a university setting. I have been stressed about whether it is "okay" to continue and maintain such a friendship over the next few years of graduate school.

How are grad-undergrad friendships & relationships viewed by other students (grad or undergrad) at the university? Are they common, or not so much? I understand that there are no legal and ethical issues in my case.

Are there any problems that I could potentially run into, and things that I should keep in mind? I fear that I am worrying too much, and I don't want to push a good friend away.

I know that there have been a few similar posts on this site before - but I'm trying to seek US-specific advice for my particular situation (i.e., small age gap, but different phases of life in academia). Thank you!

Edit: The subject areas are different - I am a Math PhD and she intends to pursue Civil Engineering.

graduate-school
united-states
conflict-of-interest

2 Clarify if the subject areas/departments are the same or different. – Brian Tompsett - 汤莱恩 Commented Aug 1, 2023 at 9:07
" I am not a TA for any of her classes " Is it possible you will be a TA for one of her classes ? – Nobody Commented Aug 1, 2023 at 9:11
1 In my (European) experience, nobody cares (why should other students find this strange?) i would defintely find it more strange if you would "hide" a good friend. – user111388 Commented Aug 1, 2023 at 9:12
3 @Nobody In all likelihood - I do not think so. If that situation is to arise in the future, I am certain I could request the instructor/department/TA coordinator to switch my class with another. Right? – purple-sky Commented Aug 1, 2023 at 9:14
You know, engineers take math classes. – Scott Seidman Commented Aug 1, 2023 at 12:33

3 Answers 3

Caution: European perspective here.

Other students will (most likely) not care - it will be not stranger than if your friend was, say, a carpenter. (Why should it?)

Is it common? In my experience, in your age, yes - people tend to befriend people with similar age and similar background. (And with your age, it is very likely that those people are students.)

Potential problems: Apart from the problem that you should inform people before you ever were to have "power" over your friend (eg as a TA) or friends of your friend, I can only see the problem that you might have information about the university which you should not devulge (even if your friend asks). Something like "there is an exploit in our IT system". But, I think, this goes without saying.

Otherwise: I am pretty convinced that a good friendship is worth more than some problem one might have with this friendship because of university-reasons (and I could not think of any problem) :)

Thanks for your answer. I hope to see US-specific perspectives, also. It seems clear that there is no issue with a friendship - but I must clarify, is there a potential issue with a relationship, if things come to that (or should I actively not entertain any such developments)? I believe the same reasoning goes through and there should not be any problems. – purple-sky Commented Aug 1, 2023 at 10:07
I agree with you that I see no potential (academic) issue with a relationship. Obviously, again no supervison (or only with agreement of competent people) – user111388 Commented Aug 1, 2023 at 11:19
FWIW, I've heard that there are some companies in the US which forbid relationships between any employees (which seems absolutely out of place to me). Maybe there is a university somewhere with absolutely strange rules? – user111388 Commented Aug 1, 2023 at 11:22

Reading between the lines and reading some of the OP's comments, I will answer this question with the understanding that there is the potential for a romantic relationship here.

My answer is no : at any "secular American university" (by which I mean one without an explicit religious component that informs the culture -- e.g. BYU) I see neither any legal nor ethical problem with an older / more senior adult member of an academic institution pursuing either a friendship or a romantic relationship with a younger / less senior adult member of that same institution if (i) the two members lie in different departments and (ii) it can be ensured that neither member will serve as an instructor or even an official mentor for the other. I am not claiming that these two conditions are necessary as well as sufficient, but I will say that in the absence of either one of them it becomes much less clear that this is a good practice.

In fact, graduate students dating undergraduate students from different departments is quite common at most universities I've known. (Graduate students dating undergraduates from the same department is also common, but I think that in America in 2023 we look at this quite differently than we did a generation or two ago.) Moreover you are only two years older, which is slightly under the average age gap for a heterosexual couple in the United States. This is an age gap that many undergraduates dating undergraduates will experience.

I did want to comment on one thing you said:

To clarify, I am not a TA for any of her classes, and there is no power dynamic involved.

(Good that you are not a TA for any of her classes: please keep it that way.) I encourage you to take a more subtle and expansive view of power dynamics, both in academia and in relationships. This woman presumably has no experience whatsoever with higher education. You on the other hand presumably have an undergraduate degree and did well enough as an undergraduate to get admitted to a PhD program. Therefore you have vastly more academic experience than she does. We are discussing the possibility of you being her TA because you have enough (or almost enough; not all first year PhD students in math teach) knowledge and experience to teach some of the courses she is taking. If we are being honest about it, the fact that you are (even two years) older and have vastly more academic experience is part of the dynamic of your friendship. Again, that is not necessarily a problem -- who said that we need to have friendships, or any kind of relationships -- with people that are equal to us in every way? No one has said that (yet: there are some trends pushing us in that direction). This is just something for you to be mindful of.

The most small-c conservative or pessimistic answer is "This may vary from university to university, or possibly department to department," but in general it should not be an issue.

As others have noted, this can be a problem farther on down the line if your responsibilities change so that you do have authority or influence over this person. In an ideal world, this would be handled by common sense moral actions like informing your supervisor of the situation as it arises.

However, academic regulations are not written on the assumption of common sense, but on past failures of common sense and/or morality. Hence, the variability from place to place.

The agonizingly correct thing to do would be to hunt down the regulations at your new institution and department. If they are insufficiently clear, ask for guidance.

I say this not because I expect you to have a problem. I don't. When I was a PhD candidate in a US R1, there were plenty of PhD candidates dating MS candidates or undergrads in the same department. I say this mainly because you are worried about it, and this will help you cross the T's, dot the i's, and-- perish the thought-- if you're at a statistical outlier of a university, at least you will know and will be able to ask for local advice (probably from your advisor.)

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Not the answer you're looking for browse other questions tagged graduate-school united-states etiquette conflict-of-interest ..

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Dating a phD student while in undergrad?

Hi there I wanted to hear peoples opinions about this topic. I have a huge crush on my TA and he’s a phD student, I’m a 20 year old male and he’s a 26 year old. I really like him and I would like to ask him out at the end of the semester. I’m waiting to ask him because I know he can possibly get in trouble and I don’t want him thinking I’m just using him for a good grade. It’s just so intimidating because he’s a phD student and I’m still in undergrad but I still wanna try. I want to see where things can go between us. I know it’s a very busy time in his life and I’ll be fine if he’s not interested.

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IMAGES

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Dating a PhD Student: A Survival Guide
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COMMENTS

Anyone tried dating while doing their PhD? [U.S.A]
However dating another PhD student was a problem in that she was working much more than me and I was having a hard time handling not spending time together. Dating non PhD students was a different problem, they generally want to spend more time with me than I have. So it's a weird contrast between too busy for normal humans and not busy ...
Dating life as a PhD student : r/PhD
I am a PhD candidate in Mechanical engineering (Aerospace engineering), it's my second year now. And I'm gay. So I've been questioning myself recently, since I think I work pretty hard on my research as well as my classes, but I have almost zero time for my personal life. Every weekday, I started at 8am until about 11pm, taking classes ...
Is dating other PhD students a terrible idea if I want to stay in
Or dating another superstar PhD student to increase the odds of both getting a postdocs/jobs at the same universities. phd; academic-life; two-body-problem; Share. Improve this question. Follow asked Jul 16, 2021 at 9:24. anonymous_question anonymous_question. 535 1 1 ...
The Perils of Dating a PhD Student (or: an Honest Academic's Dating
Relationships are incompatible with PhDs, seems to be the conclusion. A recent BuzzFeed article really hit home with lots of my PhD friends - '24 Struggles You'll Only Understand If You're Dating A PhD Student' - it covers a lot of the issues PhD students in couples have
Dating a PhD Student: A Survival Guide
7 Things to Remember for Dating a PhD Student. 1. This is a marathon and not a sprint. If you've been through college but not grad school, you might remember the time when you pulled an all-nighter in college and did just enough to pass a class that you were way behind in. It's important to remember that graduate school works differently ...
What is dating like as a PhD student? : r/GradSchool
Dating in grad school is still much easier than dating as a professional, in a nutshell. Having a fair bit of control over my schedule and my research made it actually easier than in undergrad, in fact, to have time for my family. 1. Reply. perchloricacid.
Dating While Doing a PhD
Dating another PhD student can sometimes mean too little time together due to both being too occupied. However, dating someone outside the academic world might bring the opposite issue - they may want more time than a PhD schedule permits. Another challenge, if both partners are PhD students, is finding jobs in the same region after graduation.
etiquette
I am currently dating a PhD student in the same department as me (I am also a PhD student). Not the same research group, but closely related topics anyway. We're both happy with it, and I don't think there's anything wrong with it, but I am worried about possible negative consequences on the job.
The Guide to Dating a Grad Student
Dating a graduate student means dating a workaholic - Nearly every grad student not only does their own academic research, but they also make ends meet teaching or assisting in undergraduate classes. That means their time is at a premium. Making ends meet while furthering their studies is a delicate juggling act.
Navigating the Dating Maze: The Ups and Downs of PhD Student ...
Financial concerns. Pursuing a PhD is a significant investment, both in terms of time and money. With mounting student loan debt and often modest stipends, financial concerns can weigh heavily on the minds of PhD students. This can create feelings of stress and insecurity, making it difficult to fully enjoy the dating experience.
How Dating In Grad School Is Totally Different Than Dating In College
Unfortunately, in grad school, a study date is a study date — no matter how badly you'd like to swipe all the papers off the desk and get busy. It's not because grad students are boring or have ...
ethics
It might be worth mentioning that there is a transparency dimension to consider: Professor X starts dating his student, Y from a different college within his university. All well and good, except the student may decide to take a course taught by his professor partner at a later date, or decide to invite professor X to serve on one of his ...
Is dating another grad student doomed to failure?
Three months ago I started dating another grad student (age 26) in a completely different field (sciences) who only has one more calendar year to go before he completes his Ph.D. ... Her partner was thousands of miles away at another PhD program in a different field. Partner, for a variety of reasons that included their relationship, quit his ...
Navigating dating another PhD Student : r/GradSchool
Navigating dating another PhD Student . I'm a first year PhD who wasn't planning on finding a romantic partner before I began my degree but began seeing another PhD student at my institution right before the semester began. Life works is mysterious ways I guess.
Are younger grad/masters students who date undergrads looked down upon
The main issue of grad student-undergrad student dating is if the graduate student is, or will be, a TA for the undergraduate or in another position of responsibility, such as in a lab. If there is no power differential, there is no problem at all.
graduate school
There are two big issues with marriage/relationships that I think are unique to academics and especially relevant for PhD students since they are just starting down the academic road. ... moves." This is true, but it is also unfortunately true that most tenure-track jobs are in places with limited 30+ dating scenes. - Anonymous. Commented Apr ...
How researchers navigate a PhD later in life
Many think of doctoral degrees as the domain of people in their twenties. Yet according to the US National Science Foundation, 17% of people who gained a PhD in science or engineering in the ...
3 Reasons Why Dating Online Can Create Lasting Marriages—By ...
We spent a lot of time talking so we still spend a lot of time talking, even when it's uncomfortable," says Lakeisha, another participant from the study. 2. They Help Expand Your Dating Pool
Dating a PhD Student : r/PhD
DrexelCreature. •. I stopped dating throughout my PhD until the last couple of years. It's just living in a constant state of walking on eggshells, anxiety, imposter syndrome, trust issues, etc. It is an extremely toxic environment for me and I don't want to drag anyone else down with me when I'm at my lowest.
College closures are up. Do your homework to choose one that won't
When schools close, fewer than half of the students transfer to another school, the executive officers association said. Of those who do, less than half graduate, it said. The others who ...
graduate school
In fact, graduate students dating undergraduate students from different departments is quite common at most universities I've known. (Graduate students dating undergraduates from the same department is also common, but I think that in America in 2023 we look at this quite differently than we did a generation or two ago.) Moreover you are only ...
PhD in Marriage & Family Therapy
The PhD in MFT at TWU is one of only two public universities accredited by the Commission on Accreditation for Marriage and Family Therapy Education (COAMFTE) in the state of Texas, and one of only twenty campus-based accredited programs in the United States.Even so, you can still get your PhD from Texas Woman's University at a fraction of the cost of a private university.
Dating within a PhD program : r/GradSchool
For background, I'm a second year in a PhD program. The program has about ~10 students per year and people typically graduate in 5 years. Of the ~50 students in the program, ~10 are women. The department also has a masters program with ~20 students and a more even gender ratio.
55 Things to Know About Tim Walz, Kamala Harris' Pick for VP
1. Walz was born in West Point, a Nebraska town of just 3,500 people. But he was raised in an even smaller town called Butte. 2. Walz graduated from Butte High School in 1982. "I come from a ...
Dating a phD student while in undergrad? : r/PhD
I recommend checking the university's policy for situations like this. As far as I know, at my university we are not allowed to date an undergraduate student. Even after grades are out, as grades are just one of the potential issues in a situation like this. Other universities are much more lenient in that regard. 12.