growing up with divorced parents essay

The Impact of Divorce on Children

Why growing up in two homes is so hard, and what can help..

Posted August 4, 2022 | Reviewed by Michelle Quirk

• The Challenges of Divorce
• Find a therapist to heal from a divorce
• Ongoing conflict between parents after they split up is deeply unsettling for children.
• Except under extreme circumstances, children are much better off keeping regular, ongoing contact with both parents.
• Divorced parents should try to co-parent together in a constructive, cooperative, and respectful way.

Nearly half of married couples in the United States eventually get divorced , according to some estimates. Because it occurs so often, it’s easy to forget just how difficult and traumatic divorce can be for children. Research published by sociologist Lisa Strohschein showed that, even before marital breakup, children whose parents later divorce exhibit higher levels of anxiety , depression , and antisocial behavior than peers whose parents remain married. There is a further increase in anxiety and depression in children when parents do divorce. U.S.-based psychologist Sharlene Wolchik and colleagues found that parental divorce is associated with significant risks for children and adolescents, including substance abuse and addictions, mental and physical health problems, and poor educational outcomes.

Traumatic Loss of Divorce

There is not always enough support or even acknowledgment of what a traumatic loss divorce can be for couples and their children. Whatever the reasons for the split, there are usually feelings of grief , sadness, anger , betrayal, guilt , and shame . Marital breakdown can leave both parents feeling devastated, and the stress can evoke primitive and powerful feelings of abandonment, isolation, and fear . This can lead to anxiety or depression. It's not easy to give your children what they need when you are highly vulnerable and emotionally fragile. Practically and logistically, things can be harder for you and your children when a marriage breaks down. Divorce often brings financial strain and social difficulty. Children can believe themselves to be the cause of their parents’ divorce. Guilt and shame can make them feel worthless, anxious, and depressed. Every part of their lives—living arrangements, extra-murals, decisions about schooling, and holidays—can be fraught with conflict if the parents are not able to co-operate with one another.

You might not like or trust your ex, especially early on in the separation and divorce process. It can feel deeply painful and upsetting as well to be separated from your children while they are in the care of their other parent—quite possibly your least favourite person under the circumstances. There may be realistic concerns—sometimes related to the use of drugs or alcohol —about the safety of children in the care of your ex. Some parents even worry about different kinds of abuse when their children are with the other parent. But, for the most part, the children have to find a safe place for themselves in two separate homes. It is essential that they are helped to feel at home in both places. It can sometimes even be a relief, after a divorce, for children to be in an environment where there is peace and an absence of tension.

Parents at War

When their mother and father are in enemy camps, a child has to try to figure out who is right and who is wrong, who is "good" and who is "bad." If a mother believes, for example, that her ex-husband is dangerous or evil, a child might feel unsafe and mistrustful of his father. The child might reject the father to keep himself and his mother psychologically safe. It can be hard for a child to love and trust a parent who is hated by the other.

Kate Scharff, author of Divorce and Parenting Wars , writes that the legal system often brings a highly adversarial tone to divorce. Unless your circumstances are such that you can't avoid it, try not to enter into a win/lose battle with an ex. Children are almost always victims in this conflict. They can feel torn apart when their parents cannot manage a civil, amicable, respectful dissolution of their marriage. Canadian psychologist Arthur Leonoff explains in his book The Good Divorce why divorce is so difficult for children and what parents and their therapists can do to help them. Preserving the child’s treasured mental image of herself with her two biological parents is vital, according to Leonoff, because this mental image forms the basis of the child’s identity .

An important message for parents after marital breakdown is to try to preserve, as much as possible, the ongoing relationship with your ex—who will always, for better and for worse, be your children's other parent. For the sake of your children, try to co-parent together in a constructive, cooperative, and respectful way.

Lisa Strohschein, ‘Parental Divorce and Child Mental Health Trajectories’, Journal of Marriage and Family 67, no. 5 (2005): 1286–1300, https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2005.00217.x .

Sharlene A. Wolchik, et al., ‘Developmental Cascade Models of a Parenting-Focused Program for Divorced Families on Mental Health Problems and Substance Use in Emerging Adulthood’, Developmental Psychopathology 28, no. 3 (August 2016): 869–888, doi: 10.1017/S0954579416000365.

Scharff, Kate. ‘Divorce and Parenting Wars’. In Psychoanalytic Couple Psychotherapy: Foundations of Theory and Practice, edited by David E. Scharff and Jill Savege Scharff, 279–294. London: Karnac, 2014.

Arthur Leonoff, The Good Divorce: A Psychoanalyst’s Exploration of Separation, Divorce, and Childcare (London: Routledge, 2018), 71–199.

Jenny Perkel is a clinical psychologist and the author of Children in Mind and Babies in Mind.

• Find a Therapist
• Find a Treatment Center
• Find a Psychiatrist
• Find a Support Group
• Find Teletherapy
• United States
• Brooklyn, NY
• Chicago, IL
• Houston, TX
• Los Angeles, CA
• New York, NY
• Portland, OR
• San Diego, CA
• San Francisco, CA
• Seattle, WA
• Washington, DC
• Asperger's
• Bipolar Disorder
• Chronic Pain
• Eating Disorders
• Passive Aggression
• Personality
• Goal Setting
• Positive Psychology
• Stopping Smoking
• Low Sexual Desire
• Relationships
• Child Development
• Therapy Center NEW
• Diagnosis Dictionary
• Types of Therapy

Understanding what emotional intelligence looks like and the steps needed to improve it could light a path to a more emotionally adept world.

• Coronavirus Disease 2019
• Affective Forecasting
• Neuroscience

• Skip to main content
• Skip to primary sidebar
• Skip to footer

Divorce Magazine

Since 1996 Divorce Magazine has been the Internet's leading website on divorce and separation. We provide advice about divorce law, divorce lawyers, family law, custody, support and other divorce related issues along with a directory of divorce professionals.

Daughters of Divorce: How to Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup

It’s no longer up to others to help you bounce back from your parents’ divorce. It can no longer be about their attitudes or behavior. It’s time for you to create change in your life and move forward.

By Terry Gaspard Updated: March 24, 2022 Categories: Children and Divorce , Divorce Recovery

Today, more than 40 percent of all Americans between the ages of 18 and 40 are children of divorce . For decades, researchers have identified the risk factors that parental divorce brings to their children. Recently, many studies have examined the impact of parental breakup on children into adulthood, and also the factors that promote resiliency.

In my research, published in The Journal of Divorce and Remarriage , I discovered that young adult women have unique vulnerabilities after their parents’ divorce than can impact their self-esteem and trust in partners, and create both a fear of commitment and longing for security in intimate relationships.

My interest in studying divorce began with my own experience. Divorce runs in my family and I believe that my parents’ breakup cast a shadow over my young adult romantic relationships. As a result, I was fearful of repeating the cycle of divorce and fearful to commit to partners, even ones who could have been a good fit for me. It was a weird mix. I was fearful of commitment yet stayed in toxic relationships too long due to fear of being abandoned.

Daughters of Divorce

My research results support the view that many daughters of divorce, as compared to sons, have a tendency to be pessimistic about intimate relationships lasting. This can cause them to have a fear of commitment. Further, daughters of divorce are more than twice as likely to divorce themselves, when compared to their counterparts raised in intact homes.

During my interviews of 320 young adult women, for my book Daughters of Divorce , I asked respondents to describe their experiences growing up in a divided home, and to identify their most prominent memories – such as their belief about why their parents divorced and whose fault it was. They were also asked to answer questions such as: “What is the most difficult part of a romantic relationship for you?” During these interviews, I was able to identify some key emotional challenges faced by daughters of divorce in my sample and they are listed below.

• Trouble trusting romantic partners
• Damaged or lowered self-esteem
• Issues with intimacy and commitment
• Extreme self-reliance or independence
• Persistent doubts about the stability of present relationships
• A father-daughter wound

The Road to Healing

My findings support the view that the road to healing for daughters of divorce begins by identifying your divorce experience now that you are an adult. Truth be told, experiencing divorce as a child can make you more careful about who you select as a partner as an adult. This can emerge as a signature strength.

As a daughter of divorce, you understand the fragility of love, yet can maintain a respect for its sacred place in your life. Growing up, Megan would observe her parents’ frequent arguments (that were abusive at times), and tell herself that she wanted to marry someone who respected her opinion and would love and cherish her.

Megan put it like this: “I love my parents, but they were unable to manage conflict and compromise. My dad put my mom down a lot, which caused her to withdraw, and they grew further and further apart.”

For instance, Megan, 36, has learned some valuable lessons from her parents’ high conflict marriage and subsequent divorce. She has taken some time to heal and examine her thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs about herself and relationships. As a result, she selected a partner who reassures her when she is mistrustful, and who is faithful and reliable. Josh, 38, brings out the best in Megan because he doesn’t blame her for her insecurities and mistrust. Instead, he reminds her that he is there for her every day.

Megan reflects: “Know your partner inside and out before you marry. Know yourself before you commit to someone. Be sure you help each other strive for the best, bring out the positive qualities in each other, and be certain to grow together.” During our last counseling session, Megan told me that they are eager to start a family together because she feels reassured about Josh’s love and devotion to her.

Fortunately, Megan has discovered that she can change self-defeating patterns in relationships and not repeat the patterns of her parents . Instead of being paralyzed with fear and shame, Megan is learning to be vulnerable with Josh and ask for what she needs to feel secure. This is helping her to build trust and intimacy in her marriage.

With increased awareness, you can also learn to recognize the forces that shape your choices in partners and build healthier relationships that are long-lasting. Taking a risk on love with a suitable partner can enable you to gain confidence and self-love . In fact, your parents’ divorce can be the catalyst to make you stronger, more realistic, and better prepared for the requirements of a loving and respectful partnership.

Related Content

• WATCH: Family Lawyer Brian Pearlstein Reunites Mother & Daughter in Paris After a Child Abduction
• 8 Ways a Divorced Dad Can Boost his Daughter’s Self-Esteem
• Baldwin apologizes to daughter for angry voice-mail rant

Reader Interactions

Add a comment cancel reply, helpful divorce article categories:.

• Alimony and Spousal Support
• Child Custody
• Child Support
• Children and Divorce
• Divorce and Annulment
• Divorce News and Statistics
• Financial Issues
• Legal Issues
• Relationships and Dating
• DivorceFAQs
• Divorce Podcasts
• Divorce Blogs

Visit Our Websites:

• Divorce Marketing Group
• Divorced Moms
• The Divorce School

Follow Us on Social Media