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essay on long distance relationship

Long-Distance and Extended Time Effect on Relationships Essay (Literature Review)

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Introduction

Improved intimacy, enhanced communication, sense of autonomy, improvement of sex life, appreciation of one another, tests the love.

Long-distance relationships are common phenomena in the contemporary world. Factors such as job assignments and education force couples to live miles away (Kelmer, Rhoades, Stanley, & Markman, 2013). The general perception is that long-distance relationships do not work. Most people argue that it is difficult for couples to wait for each other for an unspecified duration. Individuals opposed to long-distance relationships are unwilling to live a life characterized by Skype calls and expensive travels (Kelmer et al., 2013). Despite the negative views that many people have regarding long-distance relationships, research shows that there are couples who are in such arrangements and happy with the way they relate to each other. Being in a long-distance relationship does not necessarily result in negative interaction. Individuals who have defied the general perception about long-distance relationships have proved that the arrangement strengthens companionship. This literature review will discuss how long-distance and extended amounts of time reinforce relationships.

The popular knowledge has it that distance impacts romantic relationships, and that being away from one’s spouse or partner affects their happiness. Individuals in support of this argument hold the adage that “out of sight, out of mind” (Mark & Jozkowski, 2013). They do not understand how couples can allege to be happy yet live miles away from one another. Recent research shows that absence has significant impacts on relationships because it results in couples missing each other, thus developing compassionate feelings (Mark & Jozkowski, 2013). Indeed, men and women who do not meet on a regular basis have more meaningful relationships than those who live together. According to Mark and Jozkowski (2013), couples in long-distance relationships have higher chances of sharing valuable emotions and thoughts than those who interact on a daily basis. Additionally, they are likely to romanticize their spouses’ behaviors, resulting in a better sense of intimacy.

Couples should not part ways if circumstances do not allow them to live together. Research shows that geographical distance does not prevent spouses from sharing intimacy. A study on 63 heterosexual couples aged below 21 found that they were happy in their relationships despite having limited interactions (Mark & Jozkowski, 2013). They claimed that their occasional communications were extended and more consequential. The interactions gave them an opportunity to share their emotions and talk more about themselves. Studies are yet to confirm why long-distance relationships promote deep interactions. Nevertheless, there are propositions that men and women who do not meet regularly can romanticize their spouse’s confessions.

Technology has revolutionized the nature of long-distance relationships. In the past, people could only communicate through telegraphs or letters, which took time to reach the intended persons. The correspondence between couples could take days, if not weeks. Today, social platforms like Skype, Facebook, and Twitter have made it possible for couples to communicate instantly, bridging the geographical distance between them. Bao and Lyubomirsky (2013) argue that technology enables couples in long-distance relationships to read each other’s facial expressions as they communicate, which boosts their intimacy. At times, partners may get distracted when talking via phone. However, they tend to pay attention to each other if chatting via video calls.

The critics of long-distance relationships argue that the allegation that it enhances intimacy overlooks factors such as stress and loneliness that are attributed to living apart (Firmin, Firmin, & Lorenzen, 2014). Some relationship therapists posit that not all couples who are in long-distance relationships are happy (Bao & Lyubomirsky, 2013). The counselors allege that they occasionally come across men and women who regret living apart. Some spouses even disclose to them that they are doubtful of their relationships. Some counselors admit that they do not encourage couples to live separately as such a relationship is quite stressful (Bao & Lyubomirsky, 2013). The major problem is that most of the existing studies focus on the demerits of long-distance relationships. Nevertheless, it is imperative to appreciate that such relationships are not inevitably bound to fail. Technology has made it possible for couples to remain in a romantic relationship despite the distance between them.

Communication is paramount in a relationship. Long-distance or geographically close relationships cannot work without adequate connection between couples. One of the mistakes that spouses make is failure to have heart-to-heart conversations with their partners (Jiang & Hancock, 2013). Instead, they live like two strangers without knowing how the other party feels about their behaviors. Research shows that partners in long-distance relationships endeavor to show understanding and love. According to Borelli, Rasmussen, Burkhart, and Sbarra (2014), couples who live together have a propensity to disregard their daily interactions. The fact that they see each other on a regular basis makes them believe that they understand their partners’ thoughts and feelings.

It might not necessarily be the case since some couples may conceal their emotions to please their partners. On the other hand, couples in long-distance relationships take advantage of the time that they interact to express their feelings. Jiang and Hancock (2013) hold that spouses in long-distance relationships make sure that they utilize their communication time fully. They share not only their emotions and feelings but also thoughts. Eventually, they gain experience in how to speak with one another. A study on couples who lived distances apart found that most men and women believed that their partners did not hide their thoughts and feelings during conversations (Jiang & Hancock, 2013). It helped not only to understand one another but also strengthen their bond.

Couples in a long-distance relationship are better at communication than those who live together. Living apart compels partners to enhance their communication skills to avoid misunderstandings. As per Jiang and Hancock (2013), Cornell researchers found that long-distance couples work hard to defeat communication challenges. They learn each others’ ways of communicating, thus knowing what to say or not to say during a discussion. For a long-distance relationship to work, both parties must know what they require to feel connected. Communication between spouses enables them to understand each other’s needs and work towards fulfilling them.

Being in a relationship entails more than just watching movies together and having sex. Jiang and Hancock (2013) claim that individuals ought to take advantage of relationships to discern how to connect on different levels with their partners. Couples who experience the challenges and joy of being in a long-distance relationship acknowledge that there are multiple ways of strengthening love than just being together. According to Jiang and Hancock (2013), individuals who survive long-distance relationships do not let the geographical gap thwart their intimacy. Instead, they look for alternative ways of communication that enable them to connect. Some couples share surprise gifts while others send thoughtful messages to partners to remind them of their love.

One of the unique features of long-distance relationships is the sense of independence that couples develop. Firmin et al. (2014) argue that living miles away from one another results in couples developing individual freedom, identities, and a sense of control, which are vital to a relationship. In instances where couples live together, one of the partners may feel overwhelmed or “crowded” by the presence of the other. Such feelings affect their relationships, forcing them to drift apart. On the other hand, couples that live a distance apart are not bothered by their partner’s proximity. One may argue that living apart leads to couples developing jealousy and a sense of insecurity, which affect their relationships. However, couples who trust in each other are not afraid of living separately. Firmin et al. (2014) aver, “Fully trusting your partner and their actions as they live away from you is a true act of faith and a testament to the health of your relationship” (p. 63). Despite the freedom that the couples who live apart have, they consult each other before doing anything.

Firmin et al. (2014) claim that men and women treasure the dynamics attributed to long-distance relationships such that they miss them when they finally settle together. A study conducted in 2006 found that at least 33% of couples who were in long-distance relationships could not sustain their love for each other after moving in together (Firmin et al., 2014). Some spouses cited loss of autonomy, jealousy, disagreements, and time management as some of the factors that contributed to breakups. It showed that long-distance relationship was not only good for the couples but also appreciated and ideal. Therefore, the interaction is healthy for men and women who prefer autonomy and trust each other.

Relationship experts argue that distance should not interfere with an individual’s love life. Morey, Gentzler, Creasy, Oberhauser, and Westerman (2013) argue, “Distance introduces a whole new element to the idea of monogamy” (p. 1774). Even though many couples won’t admit it, long-distance relationships have the temptation. Some people develop the urge to establish new relationships with men or women who live close to them. Only couples who are disciplined and dedicated to a relationship can withstand the urge. Morey et al. (2013) assert that men and women who are creative overcome the temptations associated with living apart. Skype sex allows couples to understand each other sexually. There are intimate things that husbands and wives cannot share face-to-face due to being shy. However, they can say them freely via Skype, making it possible for them to improve their sex life.

Couples are liable to taking each other for granted when they spend a lot of time together. They get preoccupied with their everyday activities and programs such that they do not have time to value each other’s presence. It underscores the reason most husbands and wives who live together are caught up in petty squabbles that result in break-ups. Such challenges are mostly witnessed in times of stress, especially if one or both partners had a rough day at work. Borelli et al. (2014) argue that being away from your spouse can be useful for both of you. Distance teaches couples the significance of their relationship. Consequently, men and women appreciate the time that they spend with their partners. They begin to miss their company, jokes, and laughter. Such feelings are not wrong because they enable couples to understand how much they love their partners, thus appreciating their presence whenever they meet.

Most people tend to think that couples who live together have greater love, which is not always correct. Many men women who spend a lot of time together break up when distance separates them. The inability to cope with the distance leads to partners dissolving the relationship. Borelli et al. (2014) maintain that it is depressing to find that many couples are willing to sacrifice their relationships for the immediate safety attributed to living together. They fail to realize that being apart may give them a chance to grow individually. Moreover, the separation is mostly short-lived. Hence, couples are confident of being together in the future. A long-distance relationship helps to gauge the husband’s and wives’ love for one another. Borelli et al. (2014) posit, “To be ready to spend days, weeks, or even months apart is a great sacrifice, and in the end, it can bring much happiness when you and your partner are reunited” (p. 1091). Nevertheless, this demands commitment from both parties.

Long-distance relationships are not always destined to fail, contrary to what many people believe. One of the mistakes that couples commit is to focus on the negative attributes of the relationship. In a situation where men and women love each other, long-distance relationships can help to strengthen their connection. Couples who live apart appreciate the significance of communication and work hard to understand and meet each others’ needs. Living apart makes husbands and wives to miss and value each other, thus treasuring the moments that share. It becomes easy for partners to resolve their differences because they do not like to lose one another. Separation helps to determine the couples’ commitment to a relationship.

Bao, K., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2013). Making it last: Combating hedonic adaptation in romantic relationships. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 8 (3), 196-206.

Borelli, J., Rasmussen, H., Burkhart, M., & Sbarra, D. (2014). Relational savoring in long-distance romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 32 (8), 1083-1108.

Firmin, M., Firmin, R., & Lorenzen, K. (2014). A qualitative analysis of loneliness dynamics involved with college long-distance relationships. College Student Journal, 1 (1), 57-71.

Jiang, L., & Hancock, J. (2013). Absence makes the communication grow fonder: Geographic separation, interpersonal media, and intimacy in dating relationships. Journal of Communication, 63 (3), 556-577.

Kelmer, G., Rhoades, G., Stanley, S., & Markman, H. (2013). Relationship quality, commitment, and stability in long-distance relationships. Family Process, 52 (2), 257-270.

Mark, K., & Jozkowski, K. (2013). The mediating role of sexual and nonsexual communication between relationship and sexual satisfaction in a sample of college-age heterosexual couples. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 39 (5), 410-427.

Morey, J., Gentzler, A., Creasy, B., Oberhauser, A., & Westerman, D. (2013). Young adults’ use of communication technology within their romantic relationships and associations with attachment style. Computers in Human Behavior, 29 (4), 1771-1778.

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Can Long Distance Relationships Work?

Anabelle Bernard Fournier is a researcher of sexual and reproductive health at the University of Victoria as well as a freelance writer on various health topics.

Carly Snyder, MD is a reproductive and perinatal psychiatrist who combines traditional psychiatry with integrative medicine-based treatments.

essay on long distance relationship

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  • Unique Challenges

Can a Long-Distance Relationship Last?

  • Tips for Success

In a mobile and connected world, we have opportunities to meet and learn from people worldwide. And with these opportunities come more chances of finding love, sometimes thousands of miles away from home.

Long-distance relationships (LDRs) used to be an anomaly, often happening later in an established couple. One member would have to move for studies, work, or military service, and the relationship had to adapt to this change.

But nowadays, we can fall in love at a distance, too. With the internet, it's easier than ever to establish relationships, romantic or otherwise, even before seeing the other person "in real life," or IRL.

What challenges do LDRs have that typical relationships do not? How can people in an LDR ensure the success of their relationship? We will explore these questions in this article.

At a Glance

Lost-distance relationships have some unique challenges. It isn't uncommon for people to struggle with communication, unrealistic expectations, and financial concerns about traveling to be together in person. Experts suggest that you can make a long-distance relationship work as long as you communicate often and treat it like you would a geographically-close relationship.

Unique Challenges of Long Distance Relationships

Although every romantic relationship has challenges, studies show that long-distance relationships have a set of potential issues that are particular to the geographical distance between the members. Challenges may include:

  • Experiencing financial strain related to travel
  • Having more extreme emotions related to the relationship
  • Maintaining high expectations around face-to-face meetings given how infrequent and short they are
  • Negotiating boundaries between local friends and the distance partner
  • Having an unrealistic view of the state of the relationship

Financial Strain

Financial strain is an obvious factor that every person in a long-distance relationship has experienced. Whether it's the high fuel costs of driving hundreds of miles, or the time and financial commitment of frequent airplane travel, couples in long-distance relationships need to budget for travel costs just as they would other costs like a mortgage, food, and clothing.

Boundary Negotiation

The boundary negotiation is a trickier element to manage. People in long-distance relationships can develop jealousy towards their partner's local friends, often complaining that they spend "too much time" with them.

Jealousy and Infidelity

There is also the risk of your partner developing an intimate relationship or falling in love with someone else while you are away. Establishing clear boundaries, being honest, and understanding that people need social interactions face-to-face will go a long in defusing these potential problems.

Expectations vs. Reality

When we spend time with our partner every day, or at least regularly, the interactions contain a lot of mundane, every day things like being sick, doing groceries, cleaning your teeth, or just sitting exhausted in front of the TV.

However, in long-distance relationships, the expectations that face-to-face meetings will be magical, full of fantastic sex, and romantic often hit the wall of, well, how life actually works.

These high expectations can often make partners disappointed and resentful that the time spent together was not "like what they imagined."

Misattributing Relationship Problems

It's also very easy to dismiss or ignore growing relationship trouble because of distance. We assign it to stress, to the distance itself, to missing each other, rather than actual behavior of disengagement. It's more difficult to gauge whether our partner is really committed to the relationship because we do not see their behavior on a daily basis.

Finally, research has shown that feelings of excitement, jealousy, love, and anger tend to be more extreme in people in long-distance relationships. This means the potential for emotionally fueled decisions, unnecessary fights, and piercing disappointment.

After these challenges, being happy in long-distance relationships seems almost impossible. But this is far from being the case. Yes, long-distance relationships have challenges and difficulties that do not arise in geographically close relationships, but it doesn't mean they can't work.

Studies reveal that people in LDRs have equal or higher levels of satisfaction, strong communication, and intimacy.  

What does it depend on, then? Research on whether attitude impacted the likelihood of a long-distance relationship surviving shows that those with positive outlooks scored higher in how well they communicated with their partner, overall satisfaction, and other areas that might predict the likelihood that a relationship would survive.

Positive Interactions are Essential

What does this mean? It means that maintaining positive feelings and interactions and making partners feel secure, safe, and committed was just as crucial for long-distance relationships as for same-city relationships. In other words, what you do in a geographically close relationship also applies to LDRs.

Sharing the details of your life is essential, suggests divorce lawyer Laura Wasser . "Immerse yourselves in each other's worlds, even from afar. Share that quirky article you read during lunch, send them pictures of the sunrise from your window, or simply share the fragrance of the freshly bloomed flowers in your garden through words, she recommends. 

Seeing Your Partner Is Important

In terms of communication, video or phone are better than emails and text. However, face-to-face contact was especially important and made a big difference for people in long-distance relationships.

In other words, LDRs worked the same way as same-city relationships as long as the two people met in person at least a few times a year. If you want to maintain a healthy long-distance relationship, save money for traveling and plan on meeting regularly.

Normal Relationship Rules Still Apply

Otherwise, the same general rules for romantic relationships apply: communicate openly , make your expectations and needs clear, strive for intimacy and trust, and be trustworthy.

It is important to keep your promises and maintain your commitments. If you plan on speaking on the phone once a day, for example, consider this an essential part of maintaining your relationship. It is not optional or "only when you have time".

How to Have a Successful Long-Distance Relationship

So what can you do to make sure that the distance doesn't come between you and your partner? According to therapist and life coach Daniel Rinaldi, MHC , communication is critical. He recommends several tips that can help you stay connected, even when there are miles and miles between you:

Schedule Times to Check In With One Another

Life can get busy, which can make it challenging to make time to talk. Regular check-ins can help foster a stronger emotional connection, Rinaldi says.  

"Being open and honest with each other will help to decrease misunderstandings that are not so easily fixed at a distance," he says.

Be Respectful and Understanding 

It's also important to respect where your partner is, both physically and emotionally, even though you are apart.

"This can mean everything from time zones, work hours, sleeping time or with family, and simply if they're up for talking," Rinaldi explains. If your partner is exhausted after a long work day, it's important to understand that they may need some time to unwind before they feel up to talking.

Share Meaningful Conversations and Moments

Daily conversations are important, but it's also essential to dig a little deeper. Find activities that you can do together at a distance, such as watching movies, reading books, or other activities you enjoy.

"This will create opportunities to feel connected and will give you the ability to share these moments with each other," Rinaldi says. 

Face-to-face visits can be helpful if you can swing it. Make memories during your time together and commemorate them in some way so they will hold you over until the next time you are together. Rinandi suggests making a scrapbook by creating a shared digital folder where you can save photos or other relationship memorabilia. 

Don't Skip the Small Gestures

Doing things for your partner and listening to what they have to say is essential in any healthy relationship, including long-distance ones. 

We're living in a digital age, and even though you may not be physically close, there are so many ways to stay in touch and create moments like virtual dates or letting your partner know you are thinking of them at that moment.

One app he recommends that is great for creating these emotional connections is Marco Polo. It allows users to leave messages that can be viewed at the other person's convenience. This can be particularly helpful for couples living in different time zones who may not be available to talk due to their work schedules.

Talk About the Future

Long-distance relationships can be challenging at times, but keeping the future in mind can be helpful. Rinaldi recommends regularly talking about what the future might hold.

"This might make it easier to know that this isn't forever, just what the relationship looks like right now. Talking about the future is important for your relationship, trust, boundaries, and strength as a couple," he explains.

Krapf S. Moving in or Breaking Up? T he Role of Distance in the Development of Romantic Relationships. Eur J Popul. 2018;34(3):313-336. doi:10.1007/s10680-017-9428-2

Waterman EA, Wesche R, Leavitt CE, Jones DE, Lefkowitz ES. Long-distance dating relationships, relationship dissolution, and college adjustment. Emerg Adulthood. 2017;5(4):268-279. doi:10.1177/2167696817704118

Dargie E, Blair KL, Goldfinger C, Pukall CF. Go long! Predictors of positive relationship outcomes in long-distance dating relationships. J Sex Marital Ther. 2015;41(2):181-202. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2013.864367

Aylor BA. Maintaining long-distance relationships. In:  Maintaining Relationships through Communication: Relational, Contextual, and Cultural Variations . New York, London: Routledge; 2014:127-139.

Cameron JJ, Ross M. In Times of Uncertainty: Predicting the Survival of Long-Distance Relationships.  The Journal of Social Psychology . 2007;147(6):581-606. doi:10.3200/socp.147.6.581-606.

Dainton M, Aylor B. A relational uncertainty analysis of jealousy, trust, and maintenance in long‐distance versus geographically close relationships.  Communication Quarterly . 2001;49(2):172-188. doi:10.1080/01463370109385624.

Guldner GT, Swensen CH. Time Spent Together and Relationship Quality: Long-Distance Relationships as a Test Case.  Journal of Social and Personal Relationships . 1995;12(2):313-320. doi:10.1177/0265407595122010.

By Anabelle Bernard Fournier Anabelle Bernard Fournier is a researcher of sexual and reproductive health at the University of Victoria as well as a freelance writer on various health topics.

Home / Essay Samples / Life / Relationship / Long Distance Relationships: Challenges and Opportunities

Long Distance Relationships: Challenges and Opportunities

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  • Topic: Communication in Relationships , Relationship

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