homework for marriage counseling

26 Must-Try Couples Therapy Exercises And Activities

Discover the best couples therapy exercises and activities in this article. It is written for therapists and counselors but will also benefit couples who want to improve their relationship with some tools they can even use at home.

The powerful exercises will help to improve communication and listening skills while also helping to develop and (re)build trust.

The exercises include the know-how from different treatment approaches such as cognitive-behavioral therapy ( CBT ), Positive Psychology, and Mindfulness-based interventions. All these different approaches work wonderfully together and complement each other.

We included exercises for trust-building, deepening the connection, resolving roadblocks, promoting awareness, and improving communication. Some of them can be used during therapy sessions while others work great as homework in couples therapy.

26 Couples Therapy Exercises and Activities

1.) the icebreaker.

Icebreakers can be a great opportunity to te an interesting conversation going and to learn something new about each other. It’s a great exercise for the early stage of any couples therapy or relationship coaching.

Some icebreaker questions are:

• What is a funny story you’ve never told me about?
• What is a childhood or your anecdote you could tell me?
• What did you want to become when you were a child?
• What is an embarrassing moment of your life you’d like to share with me?

Powerful Couples Therapy Exercises For Trust

2.) let’s be honest.

The rules of this exercise are easy. Both partners should answer each other’s questions honestly. This will enhance the connection between each other. You can vary between general and easy to answer questions and end up with philosophical and thought-provoking questions:

• What is your favorite memory of dating me?
• What is your favorite thing that I do for you?
• What’s something you’re glad you’ll never have to do again?
• Which memory comes up when you think about your childhood?
• If you woke up tomorrow with no fear, what would you do first?
• What is one behavior that you never tolerate?
• If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
• What about me made you fall in love?

3.) Try the Trust Fall

The trust fall is an exercise in which one person stands straight, closes their eyes, and lets him- or herself fall without trying to stop it, relying on the partner to catch them. As the name says it’s a trust-building exercise that needs some courage at first.

4.) Share your favorite songs

Each partner is asked to share three of their favorite songs. They should also try to explain the meaning of the songs. Listen to the songs together.

• What does it remind you about?
• Which feelings come up while listening?
• In which mood are you usually listening to it?

Music is very personal and this exercise is a great way to open up and connect with the partner and also express some vulnerability with each other. Maybe the couple even has „their“ song. In this case, both can describe the feelings and emotions that come up while listening.

5.)  What do you know about me?

Make a small challenge and find out what the couple knows about each other. After answering one question it’s the other partner’s turn. Some example questions:

• What is the one thing that makes me feel alive?
• What makes me smile?
• What scares me?
• How would my dream holiday look like?

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6.)  The favorite book exercise

Ask the couple to swap their favorite books. They should tell each other what they like about this book in particular. How did it influence their life?

Reading the partner’s favorite book can be an opportunity to get a look into the partner’s mind and understand each other better. Discussing the book and the impact it has on one is a great way to deepen the connection of the couple. This is a great homework exercise. Discuss the results together in the next session.

Best Homework For Couples Therapy

7.)  the relationship assessment.

The Relationship Assessment is a couples therapy exercise for the early stage. Each partner is asked to answer some basic questions about the relationship. It’s a questionnaire that helps explore the challenges and problems.

It gives you some fundamental background information about the couple. You’ll find out how long the clients know each other, get information about previous relationships or marriages. You’ll also get information about children, the family background, and also stress-factors that may have caused the relationship problem.

This questionnaire should be part of the inventory of any couples therapist or consultant. You can create your own or get the one that’s included here in the couples therapy toolkit.

8.)  Identify Relationship Problems

This is another great exercise for the early stage of any relationship coaching or couples therapy. The exercise allows you to identify specific areas to work on with the couple. It’s a set of questions that each partner should answer individually.

You will find out that each partner might identify different problems in their relationship. It’s a homework assignment before or after the first session.

Note the major problems each partner identifies in this questionnaire and specify with them what needs changing.

Possible areas of relationship problems are: Financial, Child-rearing, Communication, Decision-making, Jobs, Controlling each other…

The full exercise is included here

9.) Identify Relationship Goals

Couples therapy is not only about problems, but also about goals. It’s important to find common goals within a relationship. Something both partners are ready to work for. Keep in mind that a goal should always be SMART.

SMART goal means:

• Specific (Is your goal too generic? Specify it!
• Measurable (How can we measure the outcome?)
• Attainable (Is our goal attainable?)
• Realistic (Is our goal realistic?)
• Time-Bound (We want to achieve our goal until…)

The goals or priorities can be different for everyone. Help your clients create and shape a vision for their ideal relationship. The Toolkit includes a ready-to-use worksheet for your sessions. Ask clients to create their goals separately and then try to find a common goal together in one of the first sessions.

10.) The Problem-Solving Blueprint

After the relationship problems have been identified it’s time to solve them one by one. The first step is to connect the individual problem with real-life situations. This will increase the understanding of the origin and the problem itself. Once this is done it’s time to attack the problem and find strategic ways to solve it.

This exercise prompts the couple to come up with creative solutions. The problem-solving blueprint is best used after the exercise where your clients identified the biggest problems that need solving.

It’s also a great tool that comes in handy whenever new problems come up during the coaching/therapy. Assign the tool to each client individually and discuss their answers together.

Each partner defines the problem, describes it in a real-life situation, and is prompted to come up with a creative solution to that problem. The results can be discussed together with the partner and the therapist. The full exercise is included here .

11.) The Pre-Session Check-In – Prepare for each Couples Therapy Session

This is a vital exercise for any marriage or couples therapy. Each partner should sit down individually the day before a session. They should write down what went well since the last session, which change they saw, and what they want to talk about in the next session. It’s a quick progress report that allows each therapist to make their session preparation a matter of a few minutes.

The clients get prompted to focus on the upcoming session to get the most out of it. CleverMemo allows you to assign these kinds of exercises and questionnaires with two single clicks s an action item. You pick a due date, an optional reminder and clients can fill everything out in the stream they share with their therapist.

12.) Therapy Session Gold Nuggets Exercise

This is the perfect addition to the pre-session check-in exercise. Prompt your clients to write down their key insights of each session and share them with you. This should be done individually.

The notes are super helpful as clients reflect on their session while memory is still fresh. They become aware of what they’ve learned, and you get invaluable insights and feedback about what was most valuable to them. Assign this exercise as an action item within CleverMemo. This allows clients to share their answers right in their private stream. Over time you both have a running record about the entire couple therapy with each partner.

• Possible questions are:
• What did you learn in this session?
• The most valuable insight was…
• What do you want to accomplish until our next session?

The complete exercise is part of the C ouples Therapy Toolkit

13.) The Relationship Journal

Keeping a regular relationship journal (daily/weekly) is the perfect exercise to get to know the different perspectives of each partner.

It takes two for a successful relationship. If both parties start journaling about their thoughts, feelings, experiences, mistakes, successes, and wishes, a lot of invaluable insights will be uncovered.

It’s also a great way to call out and keep track of things and habits they don’t like about each other.

The therapist could discuss the journal entries individually with each partner and afterward try to solve and work on them together.

The CleverMemo automation allows you to assign the journal entry as a homework item. Just define how often (e.g. weekly) an entry should be done and the system will send reminders and nudge your clients not to forget their daily or weekly entry.

Rereading past entries is a great way to reflect and uncover recurring patterns, habits, and thoughts. Two journaling templates are included here .

14.) Don’t Overlook Your Qualities And Strengths! – Couples Therapy Exercise

Too often we focus on the bad things and what doesn’t work. This exercise prompts each partner to take a closer look at the strengths. Both their own and their strengths as a couple – as a team Awareness and understanding one’s strengths can be a huge confidence booster.

The couple should make this exercise individually. Sometimes we are sure that we possess certain strengths but our partner may not notice them or take them for granted. It’s also possible that something we consider our strong side (e.g. “I’m a very organized person”) is seen completely different by our partner without us even knowing it (e.g. He/She is a control freak“).

Two great questions to start are:

• Which three big strengths do I think my partner would say I possess?
• What are the strengths we should develop together as a couple?
• The complete exercise is part of the Couples Therapy Toolkit.

15.) The CleverMemo PIT-STOP (R) – Quickly de-escalate any argument with your partner

Even the best couples fight sometimes — that’s just what happens when two people who care about each other spend a lot of time together. But unfortunately, in some cases, arguments can escalate quickly, turning a little disagreement into a big issue.

The CleverMemo PIT-Stop exercise will help your clients to de-escalate any argument or upcoming fight. It’s a simple technique that helps them to step back and become aware of the situation and their feelings. Once the emotions cooled down it’s time to address the topic calmly.

Each time an argument comes up the couple should say some keyword like Pause, Stop, or PIT-Stop and then leave the situation. Each partner takes a seat and writes down their thoughts and feelings. You’ll find the entire exercise including all the questions for clients here .

Effective Couples Therapy Exercises For Communication

Communication and the ability to listen to each other are vital skills for any relationship to be successful. There are several exercises to assess communication issues:

16.) Let’s Improve our Communication

Good communication is an essential part of a healthy relationship. Every relationship has its ups and downs, we all have bad days, but a healthy way of communicating with our partner makes it easier to deal with conflicts and building a stronger relationship.

We cannot read our partner’s mind. That’s why is crucial to tell our significant other how we are feeling, what we want and need and what we are feeling.

Every person has different communication ways and needs of communication. That’s why it’s so important that the couple becomes aware of their current communication patterns. How would they rate their current communication? Are they able to talk about everything with their partner?

This is the first step to improve communication. The whole worksheet is part of the Couples Therapy Toolkit.

17.) The Miracle Question

The miracle question is a great thought experiment in coaching and counseling. The question has its origin in the solution-focused therapy and its name is credited to Steve de Shazer and Insoo Kim Berg. The focus is on the future, on the goal the client wants to achieve.

This question helps our couple to become aware of their own dreams and desires and learn about their partner’s dreams and desires. It can be very helpful in understanding what both they and their significant other needs to be happy with the relationship.

Ask them to answer the following miracle question:

Imagine while sleeping tonight a miracle occurred: All your current problems disappeared. What would you notice that would tell you life suddenly gotten better? How would life look like?

Tip: Couples Therapy Questions

The miracle question is just one example that shows how great the impact of the right questions can be in couples therapy. Questions can be a great resource for any couples therapist, and relationship counselor, or coach. We created a collection that will help to identify problematic areas within the relationship.

But even when you’re not a therapist, you can use some of them as an icebreaker exercise to get communication with your spouse going. Check out the list of couples therapy questions for your next session here.

18.) Listening Without Interruption

This famous couples therapy exercise focuses on both verbal and nonverbal communication.

Set a timer for 3 minutes. One partner has the chance to speak about whatever they are thinking or feeling without being interrupted. The other partner is not allowed to say anything but could use nonverbal methods to show empathy and understanding.

After three minutes both can discuss their experience, feelings, and observations. Then it’s time to switch roles so that each partner can improve their listening skills.

19.) Repeat it – Exercise

This is a variation of the „Listening without interruption“ exercise.

One is asked to tell a short story (3-5 minutes) while the partner is just listening. Once the story is over the partner is asked to reflect on what they just heard. It’s great training to enhance listening skills.

Some additional Homework Exercises For Couples Therapy

20.) send me a letter.

Both partners are asked to write a letter to each other. In this letter, they can express their frustration, feelings, or desires. For many people, it’s easier to express their emotions and feelings in written form instead of telling it to another person’s face. Each partner is then asked to write a response to their partner’s letter.

Ask your clients to share their letters with you in their CleverMemo stream. You’ll gain invaluable insights that will be useful for the upcoming therapy sessions. Discuss the letters together with them.

21.) Becoming the Best Partner I can be

This exercise will help each partner to find out what they can do to improve their relationship skills and do their part in becoming the best partner they can be.

First, we must recognize our responsibility and not get caught up blaming it all on our partner, even when it appears our partner is the one with the problem.

Let’s take a look at ourselves and what we can do to become the best partner we can be. You’ll find the exercise here.

22.) Get Your Needs Met In Your Relationship

A happy relationship thrives on our understanding of our partner’s needs. Recognizing and communicating our own needs is also very important. If both partners don’t care about or ignore each other’s needs, the relationship will fail sooner or later.

The relationship will only have a future if the mutual and individual needs of both partners are met. Common needs in a relationship are the feeling of security, appreciation, shared experiences of love, tenderness, and affection.

Each partner should ask themselves „What do I need?“ and „What does my partner need?“ and both partners should make it a habit to clearly communicate their needs. It needs some training in the beginning but it can become a routine after some time. The worksheet is part of the Couples Therapy Toolkit.

23.) Explore New Things Together

Prompt the couple to find something new they could learn or try together. This could be a skill, a hobby, or an adventure. It’s ideal if both have never done it before so that they share the experience of trying it the first time together. This could be some sport or going to dance class for example.

24.) Let’s Review Our Life Together

This is a great homework exercise for couples. Prompt them to have a glass of wine or cup of tea and review their life together. They could take a look at their first pictures as a couple and discuss all the things they’ve experienced together throughout their relationship. They can also think of things they still would like to do together. You can discuss the results in the next session.

25.)  The Gratitude List

A great couples therapy exercise is the Gratitude List or even a journal. It helps each partner to restructure how they think about their partner and to become aware of all the small positive details that made them once fall in love with each other.

Ask each partner to write down at least five things they appreciate/are grateful for about their partner. This could be followed by three things they could do to make their partner feel more loved and appreciated in the relationship. If the couple is ready for it you could take this exercise a step further and let them keep a daily gratitude journal over 2-4 weeks.

This will help them to focus on the good in their relationship and become aware of the daily little positive things they notice about their partner. A template for this journal is included here.

26.)  The Weekly Relationship Check-In

This couples therapy exercise is valuable for every relationship. It improves the communication between the partners and allows each of them to have their speak. Ask the couple to schedule 30-60 minutes per week where they talk about their latest experiences, their wishes, what they want and need from each other, and how they could improve their relationship.

There are not a lot of rules. But the listening partner agrees not to interrupt and take things personally. Both should take this time as a chance to talk honestly to each other without the fear of being judged or that the partner might overreact.

Ask your clients to share the experiences and key insights of this exercise in their CleverMemo stream with you.

Wrapping Up Couples Therapy Exercises And Activities

These were 25 must-try couples therapy and counseling exercises you can use with your clients. Practicing communication, trust, and increasing empathy and awareness for each other are undoubtedly helpful for any relationship or marriage.

If you’re looking to support your couples therapy sessions with a professional software tool you can start a free CleverMemo trial here. And if you want to improve your couples therapy with some ready-to-use worksheets and questionnaires this Toolkit is for you: Check it out

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5 Couples Therapy Worksheets & Exercises (+ PDF)

Couples therapy is an effective way to strengthen the bond between partners, improve communication, and work through issues that may be causing relationship distress.

While traditional talk therapy is an important part of the therapy process, couples therapy worksheets can also be a valuable tool for couples to deepen their understanding of one another and work through specific problems in a more structured way.

How to Use Worksheets in Couples Therapy

Worksheets can be a powerful tool for couples in therapy or intimacy coaching to engage with each other and work through specific issues in a structured and collaborative way. To effectively use worksheets in couples therapy, it’s important to choose the right type of worksheet that aligns with the needs and goals of the couple.

Some worksheets may be geared towards improving communication, while others may be focused on identifying patterns of behavior or exploring individual needs and values.

It’s important to introduce the worksheet in a clear and concise manner, giving the couple adequate time to understand the purpose and process before beginning.

Once the worksheet has been completed, couples can discuss their answers together, and the therapist can facilitate a deeper understanding of the issues at hand, and help the couple create actionable steps for moving forward.

By incorporating couples therapy worksheets into your practice, you can provide your clients with a practical and effective tool to deepen their understanding of each other and enhance the overall effectiveness of therapy.

Example Worksheets for Couples Therapy

Couples therapy worksheets can provide couples with a range of therapeutic approaches to work on specific issues and improve their relationship.

These worksheets can cover a broad range of topics, from improving communication and problem-solving skills to identifying and addressing underlying patterns of behavior. They are designed to facilitate self-reflection, open dialogue, and joint exploration of the challenges couples face.

By using the right therapy tools , couples can identify and work through their individual needs and values, build trust and connection, and establish effective ways of dealing with conflict.

In this blog, we will explore some of the most commonly used couples therapy worksheets, including communication exercises, and emotion regulation activities, to help you provide more effective and targeted support to the couples in your practice.

1. The Positive Aspects of Your Relationships

In couples therapy, it’s important to focus not only on the challenges and issues within a relationship but also on the positive aspects.

Paying attention to the strengths and positive qualities of the relationship can help build resilience, increase satisfaction, and foster a deeper sense of connection between partners.

Here are some ways to cultivate a positive focus in couples therapy [1] :

• Encourage couples to reflect on and appreciate positive moments in their relationship, both past and present.
• Encourage them to share positive feedback, express gratitude for each other, and use positive language to frame things in a positive light.
• Suggest activities that create positive experiences and memories together.
• Help the couple identify and emphasize their individual and shared strengths to strengthen the relationship.

By focusing on the positive aspects of their relationship, couples can create a more supportive and nurturing environment, which can help them navigate through the challenges and issues that inevitably arise in any relationship.

Shown below is an example of how your clients can reflect on the positive aspects of their relationship using Quenza’s Positive Aspects of Your Relationships worksheet.

You can access the complete PDF as a customizable Quenza Expansion with your $1 Quenza trial , making it an easy exercise to share with your clients.

2. Gratitude in Romantic Relationships

In couples therapy, fostering gratitude in romantic relationships can be done by [2] :

• Encouraging partners to express gratitude towards each other regularly, by acknowledging and thanking each other for the things they do.
• Helping partners to focus on positive aspects of the relationship and to appreciate the good qualities in each other.
• Practicing mindfulness and being present in the moment, allowing partners to better recognize and appreciate the positive aspects of their relationship.
• Suggesting exercises that help partners to cultivate gratitude, such as keeping a gratitude journal or creating a daily gratitude ritual together.
• Highlighting the benefits of gratitude, such as increased feelings of closeness and connection between partners, and improved overall relationship satisfaction.

Below is an example of how Quenza’s Gratitude in Romantic Relationships worksheet can be used by your clients to foster more gratitude in their romantic relationships.

This therapy exercise   involves three steps:

• First, the clients choose three positive character traits from a given list.
• Following this, they share their respective lists with each other.
• Finally, they engage in a joint reflection and discussion to share their feelings and insights gained from the exercise about each other.

Applying Emotionally Focused Therapy: EFT Exercises To Use

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples involves various exercises that help partners understand and express their emotions and needs, and improve their emotional bond.

Some common exercises used in EFT include [3] :

• Emotion exploration: Encourage partners to express their emotions and attachment needs, such as feeling safe, secure, and valued.
• Reflective listening: One partner shares their thoughts and feelings, while the other listens actively and reflects back what they heard.
• Create connection rituals: Schedule dedicated moments focused on bonding to deepen your connection.
• Re-enactment: Identify negative patterns and work to change them into positive interactions.
• Emotion-focused touch: Experience and express emotions through physical touch, such as hugging.
• Emotion-focused letters: Write letters to express attachment needs and emotional experiences.

3. Knowing Your Emotions

By utilizing Quenza’s Knowing Your Emotions worksheet, clients can proactively delve into their emotions by improving their recognition skills and developing effective strategies for managing them.

For instance, this therapy activity can help clients to identify and overcome emotional obstacles, allowing them to express and understand their emotions with their partner.

Recommended:  Training Others in Emotional Intelligence: Your Ultimate Guide

How To Practice CBT in Couples Therapy (+Printable PDF)

Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can be used in couples therapy to help couples identify and change negative thought patterns and behaviors that are impacting their relationship.

Some common exercises used in CBT for couples include [4] :

• Thought challenging: partners challenge negative and irrational thoughts causing relationship distress.
• Communication skills training: couples learn active listening, assertiveness, and expressing needs and feelings.
• Problem-solving training: couples learn conflict management and issue resolution techniques.
• Behavior modification: partners modify negative behaviors and promote intimacy.
• Mindfulness and relaxation techniques: partners learn stress and emotion management techniques such as deep breathing and muscle relaxation.
• Exposure therapy: partners gradually overcome fears and avoidant behaviors.
• Role-playing: couples practice communication and problem-solving skills for positive interactions.

4. Changing Unhelpful Thoughts

Quenza’s Changing Unhelpful Thoughts worksheet, shown below, is a useful tool for clients who are struggling with thoughts that may be negatively impacting their relationships.

This particular CBT worksheet guides clients through a process of exploring how their thoughts make them feel, examining the evidence both for and against those thoughts, and developing alternative, more helpful thoughts.

Clients can download a PDF copy of their worksheet for their records when you send it through the Quenza client app. If you use cognitive-behavioral therapy interventions frequently in your work, check out our guide on how to provide online CBT .

How to Improve Communication In Relationships

Here are some exercises that couples can do to improve their communication in therapy [5] :

• Active Listening: One partner speaks while the other fully listens to understand their perspective.
• Reflective Communication: Each partner shares thoughts and feelings on a topic while the other reflects back without judgment.
• “I” Statements: Partners express their feelings and needs using “I” statements instead of blaming language.
• Reframing: Looking at a situation or conflict from a different perspective.
• Emotional Check-In: Each partner reflects and expresses emotions while the other provides support.
• Love Maps: Couples create a map of each other’s lives, likes, dislikes, history, and current events to deepen understanding and connection.

5. Apologizing Effectively

Quenza’s Apologizing Effectively worksheet teaches clients a valuable aspect of effective communication: the ability to offer a sincere apology.

By following the guidance in this worksheet, clients can learn how to express remorse in a manner that promotes greater intimacy and mutual understanding in their relationships.

Do these exercises inspire you? With the Quenza App, you can customize these Expansions or generate and share your own therapy worksheets with easy drag-and-drop tools.

We have provided several effective ways to incorporate them into programs and treatment plans . In addition, we have included helpful tips and tricks to assist you in automating the process.

Check out our free 30-page guide that provides you with valuable insights into building, customizing, and sharing your own worksheets and tools, as well as creating comprehensive treatment plans and easily tracking and evaluating client progress.

Click here to download your copy of Coach, This Changes Everything.

Final Thoughts

By integrating these couples therapy worksheets into your sessions, you can utilize effective tools and exercises that promote positive change and enhance relationships.

These worksheets and exercises can help build your couples therapy toolkit, so feel free to share your experiences with them in the comment section below. Don’t forget to give all these worksheets a try with our $1, 30-day Quenza trial !

Frequently Asked Questions

Couples therapy often involves techniques such as active listening, role-playing, and problem-solving to help couples improve their communication and work through conflicts. Therapists may also use specific approaches, such as Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), or Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), depending on the needs of the couple.

While it’s recommended to seek the help of a trained therapist, couples can also practice DIY couples therapy by setting aside dedicated time to communicate, listening actively, practicing empathy, and avoiding criticism. There are also online resources and apps, such as Quenza, that can provide couples with customized tools and worksheets to facilitate the therapy process.

There is no one-size-fits-all answer to this question, as what may work best for one couple may not be as effective for another. However, research has shown that approaches such as EFT and CBT are among the most effective in helping couples improve their relationships and overall satisfaction.

Questions asked in couples therapy may vary depending on the goals of the therapy and the approach used by the therapist. Some common questions may include: – What are your relationship goals? – What are your individual needs and desires? – What are the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship? – How can you communicate more effectively with your partner? – What changes can you make to improve your relationship?

• ^ Gordon, A. M., Impett, E. A., Oveis, C., & Keltner, D. (2010). Positive communication in couples relationships: The role of gratitude and perceived partner responsiveness. Personal Relationships, 17 (2), 267-284.
• ^ Algoe, S. B., Fredrickson, B. L., & Gable, S. L. (2013). The social functions of the emotion of gratitude via expression. Emotion, 13 (4), 605–609.
• ^ Guerrero, L. K., & Floyd, K. (2006). The Power of Touch: The Effect of Nonsexual Touch on Relational Satisfaction. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 23 (2), 340-354.
• ^ Johnson, S. M., Makinen, J. A., & Millikin, J. W. (2001). Evidence-based couples therapy: Current status and future directions. Journal of Family Therapy, 23 (3), 283-316.
• ^ Cordova, J. V., & Doss, B. D. (2014). Improving couples' relationships: Strategies for enhancing effectiveness and meaning. Current Opinion in Psychology, 4 , 76-81.

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25 Couples Therapy Exercises You Can Do at Home to Improve Your Relationship

Angela Welch is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Licensed Chemical Dependency Counselor Intern from Valparaiso,IN. She earned her Master of Arts in Marriage and... Read More

Passionate relationship writer, Kaida Hollister, renowned for insightful and engaging writing on love, human connection, psychology, and personal growth.

In This Article

Marriage isn’t always easy and it can be helpful to have some professional guidance and advice along the way.

But, not all couples are excited at the thought of airing their marriage difficulties to a stranger in therapy .

Thankfully there are many couples therapy exercises you can do at home to strengthen your relationship and build trust and communication .

These couples therapy techniques can help you communicate on a deeper level, teach you to fight fair , and create goals for your future together.

There are many benefits to practicing these couples therapy exercises both before and after marriage.

Strengthen your relationship and your love for one another by adding these 25 trust and communication-building exercises into your weekly routine. These exercises can work well instead of pre-marriage counseling, or alongside it. 

1. Do a trust fall

A trust fall is a trust-building exercise that may seem small but fosters large results. We may have done it as a fun activity with friends but it can be a part of couples’ therapy at home.

To do a trust fall, one partner stands behind their blindfolded spouse. The blindfolded spouse will then deliberately fall backward and their partner will catch them.

It sounds like an easy game, but it requires trust and blind faith in the blindfolded spouse that their partner will catch them. This may cause the blindfolded partner to turn around, fearing that their partner will miss.

This exercise builds teamwork , trust, and fosters a feeling of safety and security in the relationship.

Note: When doing any kind of exercise like this, always practice safety by choosing a physically safe place to conduct this exercise.

2. Never go to bed angry

One of the couples therapy exercises that will soon become a “Code to live by” is that of never going to bed angry.

Beijing Normal University researchers Wanjun Lin and Yunzhe Liu performed a sleep study on 73 male students to see how negative emotions and memories would affect their sleep patterns.

The results showed the students were less capable of restful sleep and had a heightened feeling of distress after being shown negative imagery right before bed.

If these students were to be shown negative imagery hours before going to sleep, the brain would be able to subdue the distress response.

However, going to bed immediately after arguing or experiencing trauma causes the brain to protect that emotion, keeping it fresh and clear in the mind.

These findings suggest that the age-old adage of “Don’t go to bed angry” definitely has some merit to it. Negative emotions directly impact the ability to sleep. If you and your spouse are in distress, you should make nice before heading to bed.

Consider this and other activities that reduce conflict as couples communication exercises that will only make your terms of endearment better than before.

Even though it may be difficult to resolve all issues before bed, agree to table the disagreement, and both practice small gratitude exercises before bed.

This will allow you to focus on the positive aspects of each other leaving a positive image in the mind before bed leading to a better night’s sleep.

Review the concerns in the morning with a well-rested mindset. Your feelings may have changed and if you were unable to fix the issue before bed, it may be easier at this point.

3. Write an appreciation list

Some of the best couples therapy exercises have to do with restructuring how you think and feel about your partner. A great way to do this is with an appreciation list.

Partners will write down five things their partner does that they appreciate, followed by five things their partner could be doing to make them feel more loved , secure, or appreciated in the relationship.

By writing down and meditating on their spouse’s good qualities first, partners will be able to focus on the good in the relationship before looking at ways to improve love and communication in a constructive way, rather than accusatory.

You can also maintain couples therapy worksheets or marriage counseling worksheets with a more detailed analysis that can be used for self-assessment.

4. Unplug from technology

One of the best couples therapy exercises you can do is to u nplug from technology and have a talking session.

Smartphones and devices are a great way to connect to the world, but they have a surprisingly bad effect on your relationships. After all, how can you give your spouse your undivided attention when you are checking your phone every ten minutes?

For this exercise, eliminate distractions such as television, video games, and smartphones for 10 minutes a day. Use these 10 minutes to talk to one another. Go back and forth telling each other the things you love and appreciate about them.

Do not interrupt one another. This feel-good exercise creates positive thinking and boosts self-esteem. Abstaining from technology and focusing on your partner is actually advocated by many marriage counselors among the relationship-building activities for couples.

You can go for a shared meditation experience as well!

Watch this video of breathwork by therapist Eileen Fein : 

5. Team building exercises

Since you are working on bettering your relationship , it’s time for the team-building exercise . This fun step involves the two of you trying something new that requires you to rely on one another. You can make these couples therapy activities as fun or as challenging as you like.

Some ideas for team building exercises include l earning an instrument together, hiking, learning a new language, making online videos together, and zip-lining, kayaking, or going to the gym.

Both of you can make a list of some activities that you would both enjoy trying together.

6. Honesty hour or “Marriage check-in”

If you are trying to find the best couples therapy exercises for communication then go for a marriage check-in.

This is a “couple exercise” that should be done once a week, face to face.

Couples will have an hour of honesty where they speak frankly, but kindly, about the state of their marriage.

Partners will then be allowed to talk about improvements they would like to see in the marriage or speak of things that are bothering them. The listening partner agrees not to get overly offended or overreact.

This arrangement allows both partners the opportunity to listen and to be heard . The calm atmosphere of this marriage check-in should encourage partners to speak freely to one another with a view to solving a problem, not attacking one another. 

Experts vouch for this as one of the best trust-building exercises for couples as many emotional walls can be broken with this technique.

7. Consistent date night

D ate night is also a great opportunity to reconnect emotionally and sexually in a fresh environment. Consider it as one of the fun and romantic couple counseling exercises.

The closer a couple is, the better their communication and the physical relationship will be. Whatever you do on date night, make sure you are focusing on each other and having a great time with such “couple communication exercises”.

8. Eliminate stress triggers

Stress is harmful to a marriage. Not only does it cause couples to associate negative feelings with one another, but prolonged marital stress can also lead to clinical depression and other psychiatric disorders.

Identify stress triggers in your marriage . Examples of stress triggers might be bringing up past conflicts such as infidelity , health concerns, and financial instability.

Instead of bringing up stress triggers to argue, identify them to solve the problem so that resentment does not linger from these topics in the future.

9. Create a bucket list

Happy couples are kinder to one another. One study revealed that happy people are more likely to be kind to others, have higher motivational drives, and a sense of gratitude. Couples who try new things together build trust and cooperation skills and boost happiness levels.

One of the best relationship-building activities is by trying new experiences together. Create a bucket list of things you want to do together.

Include smaller and larger goals, so you have something to look forward to in the short and long term. This could be as simple as visiting a museum or a closeby town, or it could be as complex as going on a dream vacation. No matter what activity you choose, what matters is that the activity is something:

• You can do together
• Can be done regularly
• Feels enjoyable for both 
• Promotes healthy communication

Make an effort to do at least one of the activities each month. No matter how busy your life gets, this gives you a sure way you will have something inspiring to do to reconnect. 

10. Leave it until Sunday

Picking your battles is as important as how you handle them. It is not just what you say, but when and how.

Postponing something for a few days gives you perspective and allows you to evaluate if you truly want to have that argument. Additionally, it helps you come into the conversation calmly and with arguments. 

You can use this exercise any time you dispute and can’t seem to come to terms with it. If there is a major dispute that cannot be postponed, by all means, address it. This exercise is not meant to help you put problems under the rug.

However, anything that gets forgotten by Sunday probably was not high on the priority list. What makes this one of the best communication exercises for couples is the benefit of learning how to prioritize your arguments as time progresses.

11. Icebreakers

Some of you may cringe at the idea of the icebreaker since you might have been forced into doing them at work or back in school. However, this time around it will be with someone you love and cherish. If you attend marital counseling it will probably be one of the exercises you do in the beginning as it puts you more at ease. 

The great thing about this is that you will learn new things about your partner. You may think you know all there is to know, but you are mistaken. Trying to ask them some fun icebreaker questions:

• Tell me something weird about yourself
• Tell me your favorite cereal brand 
• Tell me a childhood anecdote
• Tell me something embarrassing from high school

Add more questions and you’ll be surprised by what you learn. These are bound to produce at least one or two new facts about your partner that you didn’t know before.

12. Music sharing

Music can be deeply personal and meaningful. Set aside some time and share the music you like without any judgment. You can each pick three songs that have high significance for you and explain why. 

Furthermore, you can choose songs that remind you of each other. There are many topics that you can do this selection on such as – highschool, heartbreak, our relationship, etc. After each selection use questions to understand why those songs are in that category and what feelings they evoke. 

Any marriage therapist would tell you that this can lead to meaningful insights about your partner and the relationship itself. T his kind of sharing leads to deeper levels of understanding. Be gentle as they might be vulnerable and risking a lot by showing you something so personal. 

13. Swap books

One of the best couple counseling exercises is swapping books.

What is your favorite book? How about your partner’s? If you have not read them so far, go out and buy them for each other. Write a thoughtful note so you each have a beautiful memory to keep. 

Same as with music, what you chose to read says a lot about you. Couple counseling experts recommend this exercise and even suggest that it can become a new tradition for the couple. 

No matter how well you know your partner you will learn something new about them since books over inspire the creative side in us. They will learn something new about themselves, acquire new perspectives, and share a window into their mind. Diving into something as profound as a favorite childhood book is a fantastic way to forge a deeper connection. 

14. Soul gazing

It may sound like nothing, but this is an intense exercise that can have a huge impact on feelings of connectedness and intimacy. 

It could be that due to mirror neurons in our brains this exercise has so much effect. 

Those mirror neurons are a part of the reason we are fast-tracked for affection, sociability, and companionship. They get activated by looking into someone. 

Instructions are simple, face each other, and set the timer for 3-5 minutes. Stand close to each other, so you are almost touching and stare into each other’s eyes. 

Don’t worry, you are allowed to blink, this is not a staring contest. However, refrain from talking. At first, you might feel uncomfortable and laugh. However, as time passes you will feel more pleasant and connected. 

15. More cuddle time

Make it a habit to cuddle more often. Turn off the distractions and simply cuddle. When we hug each other oxytocin is released. This chemical, also known as the cuddle hormone, is associated with lower blood pressure and heart rate. A study suggests this could explain why partners with emotional support are less likely to die from heart disease.

Sneak this exercise whenever is suitable for you – in the morning or evening while watching a movie. 

The idea is to set aside time to practice it daily. Show physical tenderness, and improve your intimacy with your partner . This exercise is recommended in sex therapy as it can increase the erotic potential. 

16. The 7 breath-forehead connection exercise

This close breathing exercise can be practiced anytime you need to feel in sync with your partner and focus on the present moment. 

Lie next to each other and face each other. You should put your foreheads together without touching your nose or chins. 

The idea is to synchronize your breath with your partner’s. At first, try to do 7 in a row. If it feels good, and it will extend it to 20 or 30 breaths. Prolong it for as much as it feels good for you and repeat any time you want to feel present and connected to your partner. 

17. Question jar

Question Jar is a great relationship conversation starter.

The idea is fairly simple – take a jar and add any number of relationship-building questions. If you are having trouble coming up with them, there are already made question jars available for purchase.

The Legacy Jar , for example, has 108 awesome questions, which can also be used with your colleagues, friends, and kids. 

If you, however, wish to make questions more personal, you can use any jar, and your partner and yourself can write as many questions as you wish.

Feel free to use the famous 36 questions that were used in an experiment showing that answering these 36 questions can bring people closer together. Several of them even fall in love. 

18. The miracle question

This activity offers a reflective way of helping couples dive deep into an exploration of what kind of future they would like to create.

A lot of people are facing struggles, simply because they are not sure of their own and partnership goals. A “Miracle Question” can guide and help partners clarify their goals and gain clarity on what they are aiming to achieve as partners and individuals. 

Therapist Ryan Howes elaborates the Miracle Question as: 

“Suppose tonight, while you slept, a miracle occurred. When you awake tomorrow, what would be some of the things you would notice that would tell you life had suddenly gotten better?”

This question allows you to go beyond the spectrum of reality, using the imagination to dig for the things you truly wish to happen. By not being bound with the everyday constraints, you will bring up your desires that you prevent yourself from verbalizing. 

In the setting of couples therapy, even though your partner might give an impossible wish, you can grasp the idea behind it.

The therapist would use an unrealistic idea to help you investigate it would change your life for the better. The change you find there is the change you need. On a partnership level, you can then work on scaling the idea of change and apply it on a practical level. 

19. The weekly CEO meeting

In hectic lives, where we run around every day doing all sorts of errands, this exercise can be a good way to freeze time and reconnect. 

During this exercise, it is important to have an adults-only 1-on-1 conversation. All distractions including kids should not be around. 

Check each others’ calendars and cement a 30 minutes window for a CEO meeting. 

You can kick off the conversation with the following questions: 

• How do you feel today? 
• How do you feel in our relationship? 
• Is there anything from the previous week which you feel is unresolved and needs to be discussed? 
• Do you feel loved? 
• What can I do to make you feel more loved? 

Even though direct, these questions are meaningful and will inspire your partner and yourself to have a productive discussion. It is quite important to have these conversations regularly and treat them like an important commitment out of which you will not bailout. 

20. Set goals together

You can create as many categories as you would like, but we suggest you start with these 6 important areas of life: 

• Hobby/Fun activities
• Social interactions 
• Intellectual activities 

After you agree on which categories you want to work on, set goals for each of the areas. Agree on the timeline and put the goals somewhere visible. 

21. Volunteer together

What is a cause you both believe in? Focusing on helping there will bring you two together. When you see your partner helping others you will fall in love with them all over. 

Decide what case you want to dedicate some of your time and volunteer together through a local charity or a church.

22. The high and low

This exercise is best utilized during the evening and allows the cole to check-in with each other. This exercise is used in couples counseling to increase empathy and understanding. 

While one of the partners is sharing their high and low of the day, the other is using attentive listening techniques. 

23. Sending a postcard

In this exercise, the focus is on written communication. B oth partners need to write on separate postcards their frustrations, feelings, or desires. Once written it is to be mailed and not verbally discussed.

Any further response should only be written in the same format and sent. This fosters written communication and patience. 

24. Sticks and stones

Besides the cute nicknames and endearing words, partners sometimes call each other names that can be hurtful. 

This exercise allows partners to address any name-calling that might have aggrieved them in the past. They are to make a list of names they found disrespectful and share it. 

After reading it, both have a chance to elaborate on how those terms impacted their feelings of confidence and self-worth.

25. Helpful hands 

This fun couple activity involves the body and the mind. The partners are to work together to achieve a common goal. The twist is – they each have an arm tied behind their backs.

They need to communicate directions and actions concisely so that, with their free hand, each of them is working to achieve a goal. Their synchronicity is necessary for obtaining the objective. 

The activities can vary, and anything can be used such as buttoning a shirt, zipping a zipper, tying a shoe, or clasping a necklace.

A final word on couples therapy exercises

Every relationship can benefit from couples therapy exercises.

Whether your relationship is picture-perfect or you’re both looking to improve your marriage, couples therapy activities can now be done from the comfort of your own home.

Many couples swear by such couples counseling exercises that have brought them together after facing a difficult time or made their relationship better than before.

If you still require more assistance then look for online marriage counseling to seek some expert marriage counseling exercises to work on your relationship.

Search for couples counseling near me or couples therapy near me to find experts available in your area.

If you are wondering does marriage counseling work, there is no clear answer. It can for the sure benefit a relationship in which both partners strive to make it work. 

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Kaida Hollister is a passionate relationship writer, renowned for her ability to shed light on the intricacies of love and human connection. With a deep understanding of psychology and personal growth, she has become known for her Read more insightful and engaging writing on these subjects. When she’s not busy crafting thought-provoking articles, Kaida can often be found pursuing her love of dance. She is also an avid foodie and enjoys exploring new flavors and cuisines. With a curious and open-minded approach to life, Kaida is committed to helping readers deepen their understanding of themselves and their relationships. Read less

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Marriage counseling: A comprehensive guide for curious couples seeking support

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Have you ever been in the midst of a conflict with your significant other and wished that you could rewind, start over, and reset? Maybe you didn’t know how to heal the emotional wounds that were inflicted in the heat of the moment—and still don’t.

Sometimes an expert is required to help our love and pain renegotiate their living arrangements, and that’s the role of our marriage counseling therapists at Thriveworks. These marriage counseling experts serve as objective, highly-trained third parties who can help clarify relationship issues , build interpersonal skills, and solve painful problems. 

Their job is to help convert all those tight, constricted, distressing feelings you both feel into positive action. We wrote this guide to marriage counseling, so you’ll know what to expect from your very first to your very last therapy session, and how you and your partner might benefit from expert relationship guidance at Thriveworks. 

What Is Marriage Counseling?

Marriage counseling, also called relationship counseling or couples therapy , is a form of therapy that helps significant others bridge their divides, work through their issues, and improve their relationships. This type of therapy can also help couples breathe new life into their romantic bonds and reinforce the reasons that brought them together in the first place.

Marriage counseling relies on therapy sessions between both partners and a shared therapist, who will listen closely and try to distill and simplify any issues affecting the relationship. Then, they will collaborate with couples on a personalized, evidence-based course of action to help solve their relationship’s problems.

Many different kinds of couples seek marriage counseling, and marriage counseling therapists can also facilitate pre-wedding discussions for non-married or engaged couples during premarital counseling sessions. 

What Type of Issues Can Relationship Counseling Help Solve?

Relationship counseling can help to solve many different types of issues, including but not limited to::

• Jealousy and possessiveness
• Opposing values
• Repeated conflicts
• Different visions for the future
• Life transitions (empty nest syndrome, new parenthood, etc.)
• Substance use
• Allocation of household responsibilities 
• Mental health issues
• Emotional distance/detachment
• PTSD , grief , or loss
• Differences in parenting styles
• Lack of trust
• Financial distress or disagreements
• Sex or intimacy issues
• Internal or external boundaries
• Lifestyle differences

You don’t need to have an acute problem in your relationship to benefit from marriage counseling. Many married couples come to therapy sessions in order to strengthen or maintain what’s already working for them. 

Who Can Marriage Counseling Help?

Marriage counseling can help many different couples, including those who are:

• Suffering from severe financial stress
• Struggling to have productive conversations
• Struggling with boundaries or codependency
• Struggling physical intimacy and connection
• Dealing with fertility issues or pregnancy stressors
• Dealing with separation anxiety , attachment issues , or abandonment issues
• Feeling overwhelmed by responsibilities at home or at work
• Feeling that their relationship has lost its spark
• Disagreeing on seemingly everything
• Fighting over extended family or in-laws
• Arguing about raising kids and parenting styles

Marriage counseling is a compassionate resource to help you and your partner enhance your emotional health and your relationship. You both get to determine the goals of therapy and get to determine what direction the sessions will take. 

Couples Therapy vs. Marriage Counseling: What’s the Difference?

There’s no difference between marriage counseling and couples therapy, as they are both interchangeable terms for talk therapy that’s designed to benefit intimate partners in romantic relationships. Our mental health professionals, as stated before, can meet with domestic partners, new couples, co-parents, couples with open marriages, those who are divorced, and even long-term friends. 

We also have therapists who specialize in LGBTQ+ couples, couples from different cultural backgrounds, and more. All relationships deserve care – and all relationships require work to maintain them. 

Does Marriage Counseling Work?

Yes, marriage counseling works – research studies have shown that marriage counseling can be beneficial for many couples. It provides a safe and neutral space for couples to express their thoughts and feelings, learn effective communication and problem-solving skills, and gain insights into their relationship patterns. It can help couples navigate through challenges such as infidelity, financial problems, parenting conflicts, and differences in values or goals.

If you and your partner are considering marriage counseling, it’s recommended to research and find a qualified and experienced therapist who specializes in couples therapy. With Thriveworks, we offer both online marriage counseling and in-person sessions to help improve your marriage or relationship. 

Is Marriage Counseling Really Worth It?

At Thriveworks, we believe many relationships to be worth improving—thus making marriage counseling entirely worth it for most couples. Here are some key points to consider about marriage counseling when deciding if it is worth pursuing, as it can improve:

• Communication : Couples counseling often focuses on enhancing communication skills, which can be invaluable in resolving conflicts, expressing needs, and understanding each other better. Learning effective communication techniques can have a long-lasting positive impact on the relationship.
• Problem resolution : Couples counseling can help identify and address underlying issues causing distress in the relationship. It provides a structured framework for exploring problems and finding solutions together. A skilled therapist can guide the process and offer tools and strategies for problem-solving.
• Emotional intimacy : Even in relationships without significant problems, couples counseling can still be beneficial. It can strengthen the bond, deepen intimacy, and help couples grow together. It provides an opportunity to explore individual and shared goals, values, and aspirations.
• Mediation and conflict resolution : If there are persistent conflicts or recurring patterns of arguments, couples counseling can offer a safe environment for mediation and conflict resolution. A therapist can help navigate difficult discussions, manage emotions, and find constructive ways to resolve differences.

What Is the Success Rate of Marriage Counseling?

The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) reports that after the completion of couples therapy, almost 90% of clients notice improvements in their emotional health, and over three quarters of romantic partners feel enhancements in their relationship.

What Type of Therapist Is Best for Marriage Counseling?

When it comes to marriage counseling, there are different types of therapists who can be helpful, depending on your specific needs and preferences. Here are some common types of therapists you might consider:

• Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) : LMFTs specialize in working with couples and families. They are trained to address relationship dynamics, communication issues, and family systems. They have a strong focus on improving the overall functioning of the family unit.
• Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) : LPCs provide individual and couples therapy and can be skilled in working with relationship issues. They have a broad range of experience and expertise, and can address a wide range of mental health concerns through marriage and family counseling.
• Psychologist : Psychologists have doctoral-level training in psychology and may specialize in couples therapy. They are trained to diagnose and treat various mental health conditions and can provide evidence-based therapy approaches.
• Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) : LCSWs are trained to provide therapy to individuals, couples, and families. They often have expertise in addressing relationship issues, and they may work within a larger social context, considering factors such as social support and community resources.

Remember that what matters most is finding a therapist who can establish a positive therapeutic alliance with both you and your partner. A skilled and empathetic therapist who can create a safe space for open communication and guide you through the challenges you’re facing can make a significant difference in the effectiveness of marriage counseling.

7 Common Marital Problems Discussed in Therapy

Thriveworks therapists are well-versed in helping couples resolve these 7 common marital challenges (and more):

• Infidelity or trust issues 
• Sex issues or lack of intimacy
• Opposing values or beliefs
• Stress at home and work
• Communication problems
• Parenting issues
• Growing apart

Many couples have discovered that marriage counseling at Thriveworks improves their relationships and can successfully address the issues above. Couples therapy is often a short-term, yet invaluable, process that can help define what really matters. 

If you and your spouse pursue marriage counseling, you can expect to work with your counselor on your specific issues.

What Not to Say in Marriage Counseling

While each situation is unique, here are some things you generally should avoid saying/doing during marriage counseling:

• Blaming and criticizing : Avoid blaming your partner or criticizing them in a harsh or hurtful manner. Focus on expressing your feelings and needs without attacking your spouse.
• Insults and name-calling : Avoid using derogatory language or resorting to insults and name-calling. Such behavior only escalates conflicts and hinders the process of resolving issues.
• Threats and ultimatums : Don’t make threats or ultimatums during counseling sessions. These can create an atmosphere of fear and force, making it difficult to achieve productive and lasting solutions.
• Dismissive statements : Avoid dismissing your partner’s concerns or feelings. It’s important to listen attentively and show empathy, even if you don’t fully agree or understand their perspective.
• Bringing up past grievances : While it’s important to address past issues, constantly bringing up past grievances can create a cycle of negativity and prevent progress. Focus on the present and future instead of dwelling on the past.
• Stonewalling or refusing to communicate : Refusing to engage or shutting down emotionally during counseling sessions impedes progress. Effective communication is crucial for resolving conflicts, so make an effort to actively participate.
• Being defensive : Instead of becoming defensive and denying responsibility, try to be open to feedback and take accountability for your actions. It’s important to show willingness to work on yourself and the relationship.
• Minimizing your partner’s feelings : Avoid downplaying or dismissing your partner’s emotions. Even if you don’t fully understand their perspective, validate their feelings and show empathy.
• Bringing up sensitive topics to hurt your partner : Intentionally bringing up sensitive topics or past mistakes to hurt your partner is counterproductive and damages trust. Aim to create a safe space for open and honest communication.
• Refusing to compromise : Marriage counseling often involves finding compromises and solutions that work for both partners. Refusing to compromise can hinder progress and prevent resolution.

In marriage counseling, it is important to maintain a respectful and constructive environment to work through relationship issues. Remember, the goal of marriage counseling is to foster understanding, improve communication, and work towards a healthier relationship. 

How Do I Know My Marriage Is Over?

Ultimately, deciding when a marriage is over is a deeply personal choice that requires careful reflection and consideration of your own needs, happiness, and well-being. It can be beneficial to seek professional help from a therapist or marriage counselor who can provide guidance and support throughout the decision-making process.

While every situation and relationship is unique, the following signs can serve as serious indicators that you could benefit from evaluating your relationship:

• Lack of communication : When communication breaks down and efforts to resolve conflicts or discuss important matters become increasingly difficult or non-existent, it may suggest a significant issue in the relationship.
• Continuous unhappiness : If you and your spouse constantly feel unhappy, unfulfilled, or emotionally disconnected despite attempts to address the underlying issues, it may be an indication that the marriage is no longer serving either of you.
• Loss of trust : Trust is a fundamental aspect of any healthy relationship. If trust has been severely broken, such as through infidelity or repeated breaches of faith, it can be challenging to rebuild and may suggest irreparable damage.
• Persistent conflicts : Frequent and unresolved conflicts that cause distress and strain the relationship can indicate deeper incompatibilities and an inability to find common ground.
• Emotional and physical abuse : Any form of abuse, whether emotional or physical, is unacceptable and can be a clear indication that the marriage is toxic and irreparable. It’s essential to prioritize your safety and seek help if you’re in an abusive relationship.
• Lack of intimacy : A gradual or sudden decline in intimacy, both physical and emotional, may indicate a growing disconnection between partners.
• Loss of shared goals and values : If you and your spouse no longer share common goals, dreams, or values, it can be challenging to sustain a healthy and fulfilling partnership.

Even if a romantic relationship doesn’t endure forever, through couples therapy and marriage counseling, individuals often learn valuable information about themselves and how they function in relationships. And later on, they can harness this knowledge, using it throughout their lives.

How Can I Save My Marriage?

Saving a marriage is a complex and personal journey that depends on the specific circumstances and dynamics of the relationship. While there is no one-size-fits-all solution, here are some general steps that may help in the process:

• Open communication : Effective communication is vital for resolving conflicts and understanding each other’s needs. Take the time to listen actively, express your own feelings and concerns, and encourage your partner to do the same.
• Seek professional help : Consider attending couples therapy or marriage counseling. A skilled therapist can provide guidance, facilitate productive conversations, and help you both work through underlying issues.
• Identify and address underlying issues : Reflect on the root causes of the problems in your marriage. This could involve examining patterns of behavior, unresolved conflicts, or personal issues that may be affecting the relationship. Take responsibility for your own actions and be open to making necessary changes.
• Rebuild trust : If trust has been compromised, work on rebuilding it. This involves being honest, reliable, and consistent in your actions. Rebuilding trust takes time, patience, and a commitment to repairing the relationship.
• Make time for each other : Prioritize spending quality time together and nurturing the emotional connection. Plan activities you both enjoy, go on dates, and find ways to reconnect and rediscover each other.
• Show appreciation and kindness : Express gratitude for your partner’s positive qualities and efforts. Small acts of kindness, such as compliments, gestures of affection, and acts of service, can go a long way in fostering a loving and supportive environment.
• Seek personal growth : Focus on personal development and self-improvement. This can involve individual therapy, pursuing hobbies, or engaging in activities that boost your well-being and self-esteem. By taking care of yourself, you can become a better partner.
• Be patient and realistic : Healing a marriage takes time, effort, and patience from both partners. Recognize that change won’t happen overnight and setbacks may occur. Stay committed to the process and remain realistic about the challenges you may face.

Remember, every relationship is unique, and these steps may not guarantee the revival of a marriage. In some cases, despite best efforts, separation or divorce may be the healthiest outcome. It’s important to prioritize your own well-being and happiness throughout this journey.

How to Make Marriage Counseling Work for You

Below are some steps to follow while you begin the process of marriage counseling to foster the best experience:

• Find a qualified counselor : Look for a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) or a mental health professional experienced in couples therapy (such as those here at Thriveworks). 
• Schedule your first session : Schedule a first session with the counselor to discuss your concerns, goals, and expectations. This is an opportunity to assess whether you feel comfortable with the therapist and if they understand your needs.
• Work with them to set your goals : During the early sessions, the counselor will typically conduct an assessment to gain a deeper understanding of your relationship dynamics, individual histories, and current challenges. They will work with you to identify specific goals you want to achieve through counseling.
• Work on communication and conflict resolution : The counselor will help you improve communication patterns and teach you effective strategies for resolving conflicts. They may introduce techniques such as active listening, expressing emotions constructively, and finding compromises.
• Identify patterns and exploring underlying issues : The therapist may help you identify recurring patterns or negative cycles in your relationship. They will assist you in exploring any underlying issues, past experiences, or unresolved conflicts that contribute to your current challenges.
• Develop problem-solving skills from your marriage counseling sessions : The counselor will guide you in developing problem-solving skills to address specific issues. This may involve learning how to negotiate, set boundaries, and make decisions as a couple.
• Strengthen your emotional connection and intimacy : The therapist will work with you to enhance emotional connection and intimacy within your relationship. This may involve exercises to build trust, increase affection, and improve overall satisfaction.
• Do any assigned homework and practice together : To reinforce the skills learned in counseling sessions, the counselor may assign homework exercises or activities for you to practice outside of therapy. These tasks are designed to facilitate progress and help you apply what you’ve learned in real-life situations.
• Pay attention to your marriage counselor’s progress evaluations and adjustments : Regularly assess your progress with the therapist and discuss any adjustments that may be needed in the counseling process. This ensures that the therapy remains focused on your evolving needs and goals.

Remember, every couple’s journey is unique, and the duration and frequency of counseling sessions can vary depending on the specific circumstances. It’s important to approach marriage counseling with an open mind, a willingness to work on the relationship, and a commitment to change and growth.

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Theresa Lupcho is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) with a passion for providing the utmost quality of services to individuals and couples struggling with relationship issues, depression, anxiety, abuse, ADHD, stress, family conflict, life transitions, grief, and more.

Christine Ridley is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker who specializes in adolescent and adult anxiety, depression, mood and thought disorders, addictive behaviors, and co-dependency issues.

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Why Marriage Counseling? A Guide To Therapy For Couples

Despite its ability to improve many relationships, the stigma surrounding marriage counseling still affects some couples’ decisions to attend. Some individuals may believe marriage counseling should only function as a “last resort” before separation or divorce, but this is typically untrue. Marriage counseling can be helpful for any couple, even those who aren’t experiencing challenges related to relationship satisfaction. In addition, counseling can be customized to fit the particular needs of a specific relationship, with multiple therapy options available for couples to choose from. 

What is marriage counseling?

Marriage counseling, also known as couples therapy, is a form of psychotherapy that typically aims to help married couples resolve conflict, enhance their communication skills, and strengthen their relationship. Marriage counseling can provide a safe and supportive environment for couples to explore their feelings, thoughts, and behaviors while learning new ways to improve their relationship . 

Types of couples therapy

Different types of marriage counseling are available, each with its unique approach and techniques. Depending on your concerns or the areas you’d like to progress in, a marriage counselor may employ one or more of the following types of therapy to offer guidance and support. 

Cognitive-behavioral couples therapy (CBCT)

The goal of cognitive-behavioral couples therapy is to identify and change negative patterns of thinking and behavior that may be causing problems in a relationship. CBCT therapists work with couples to help them develop more positive communication styles, learn problem-solving skills, and develop strategies to manage conflict.

Behavioral couples therapy

Behavioral couples therapy is based on psychological theories of operant conditioning. This type of therapy aims to support couples in reducing negative behaviors such as criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling through techniques such as behavioral shaping, behavioral rehearsal, acceptance, and communication skills training.

Emotionally-focused therapy (EFT)

Emotionally-focused therapy centers on helping couples improve their emotional bond. Since relationship problems often stem from a breakdown in the emotional connection between partners, improving this connection in EFT may lead to more positive interactions and greater relationship satisfaction. 

Solution-focused brief therapy (SFBT)

Solution-focused brief therapy aims to teach couples how to find solutions to specific challenges within their marriage rather than analyzing past obstacles. In SFBT, the therapist helps the couple identify their strengths and resources and take practical steps to improve their relationship. This type of therapy is often more appropriate for couples facing a specific problem like financial disagreement rather than a fundamental concern—such as differing values or infidelity. 

Imago relationship therapy

Imago relationship therapy is a type of couples therapy that seeks to assist partners in understanding each other's needs and healing past wounds by exploring childhood experiences and patterns of relating. It uses a structured dialogue process and a variety of exercises to allow partners to improve their communication patterns and create a more conscious and loving relationship.

The Gottman method

Developed by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, the Gottman Method uses a structured approach, including assessments, interventions, and homework assignments, to help couples identify and address their unique challenges and develop practical skills for a long-lasting relationship.

Why marriage counseling? Signs you may need marriage counseling

If you and your partner face any of the following challenges, marriage counseling may be worth considering.

Problems with communication

Lack of communication, miscommunication, and negative communication patterns are a few common challenges that may lead a couple to seek counseling. If you and your partner have trouble interacting effectively or feel like you're not being heard or understood, it may be time to seek counseling.

Constant conflict

Experiencing conflict in a marriage is normal, but if you and your spouse regularly argue and can’t find a solution, you may benefit from marriage counseling. A marriage counselor can teach you strategies for avoiding conflict and managing disagreements in a healthy, productive way. 

Loss of intimacy

If your marriage lacks emotional or physical intimacy, marriage counseling can help you and your spouse address this and reconnect. A marriage counselor can teach you how to communicate your needs, preferences, and boundaries while offering mutually-agreeable solutions for improved intimacy and connection. 

Difficulty with trust

Lack of trust is a common reason many couples seek counseling. It may be difficult to trust your partner if you’ve experienced betrayal in a past relationship. Trust problems may also arise if one or both partners have broken trust in the relationship, such as through infidelity or dishonesty. A marriage therapist can help you process and work through these challenges and rebuild the trust in your relationship.

Life transitions

Life transitions can significantly strain a marriage. If you're going through a major life transition, such as a new job, a move, or the birth of a child, counseling can help you navigate these changes while still maintaining a strong relationship.

Different goals or values

Over time, some couples grow apart due to changing life goals or values. If you and your partner struggle to find common ground on this subject, counseling can help you explore these differences, find compromises, and move forward together. 

Contemplating separation or divorce

Whether due to a significant betrayal or an extended period of disconnect, some couples reach a point where separation or divorce seems like the right option. If you're considering ending your marriage or separating, counseling can provide a neutral space to discuss your concerns, explore your options, and make informed decisions about your future.

Family problems

A life partnership often involves navigating complex family relationships involving children and in-laws. Couples counseling can assist couples who are navigating these types of challenges within a marriage. At the same time, family therapy may be beneficial when a married couple wants to involve other family members in their counseling sessions. 

Benefits of marriage counseling

Every relationship is unique, and a couple’s goals and relationship dynamics may affect their experience with marriage counseling. Often, couples enter therapy for a specific reason and find that other aspects of their relationship improve as they find new ways to relate. Here are a few commonly-reported benefits of marriage counseling.

Enhanced communication skills

One of the primary goals of a marriage counselor is to teach couples how to communicate more effectively, express their needs and feelings, and listen to their partner with empathy and understanding. 

Conflict resolution

In counseling, couples can identify and resolve conflicts constructively and develop strategies for managing disagreements in a healthy way in the future.

Increased intimacy

Counseling can help couples rebuild intimacy, deepen their understanding and connection, and reignite their passion and love for one another.

Enhanced problem-solving skills

Conflict can be inevitable, and it can be important for couples to understand how to move past disagreements as a team. Counseling teaches couples problem-solving skills and communication strategies for addressing challenges and making decisions together.

Increased self-awareness

A marriage counselor can help couples better understand themselves and their partner and learn how to recognize and manage their emotions and behaviors.

Strengthened commitment

Counseling can be beneficial for couples seeking to renew their commitment and develop a shared vision for their future together.

Often, marriage therapy is what you make of it. If both you and your spouse are dedicated to improving your marriage, you typically have a higher chance of achieving the desired results . 

The role of a marriage counselor

A marriage counselor is typically a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT). This type of therapist is specifically trained to act as a neutral party and help couples identify and address relationship conflicts without “taking sides” or passing judgment. Marriage counselors are trained in various therapeutic techniques and interventions aimed at helping couples develop effective communication and problem-solving skills. 

A marriage counselor offers guidance and support as couples navigate challenging conversations and may intervene if they notice negative or unhelpful communication patterns. Often, a marriage counselor will give their clients “homework” and may provide resources and referrals for additional support as needed. Overall, the role of the marriage counselor is to provide a safe and supportive environment where couples can work toward building a stronger, healthier, and more fulfilling relationship together.

Marriage counseling techniques

Depending on a couple’s needs and goals for therapy, a counselor may use any number of techniques in a marriage counseling session. These techniques are often intended to improve the couple’s communication skills or help them develop healthier habits in their marriage. Here are a few common couples counseling techniques :

• Narrative therapy can help couples reframe relationship obstacles in a beneficial way by reshaping narratives surrounding their marriage and experiences.
• Reflective listening is a common communication technique that teaches couples active listening skills. 
• Identifying love languages can teach couples how to identify, understand, and meet one another’s needs.
• Building positive communication is central to many therapeutic approaches, as healthier communication patterns can reduce conflict and increase relationship satisfaction.
• Scheduling quality time is a common therapeutic technique that asks couples to prioritize quality time together with the goal of deepening connection and affection.
• Enhancing physical intimacy is another facet of marriage counseling that can help couples improve and expand upon nonverbal communication patterns such as romantic touch and sexual intimacy.

Finding a marriage counselor

If you’re experiencing marital strain and believe you and your partner could benefit from counseling, you may consider finding one locally or taking your search online. You can speak with a counselor through an online platform like BetterHelp for individuals or ReGain for couples. Online couples therapy offers a way to attend marriage counseling from the comfort of home, or anywhere with a strong internet connection. This may be beneficial for couples with busy schedules, careers that require frequent travel, or long-distance relationships. It may also be ideal for couples that struggle to secure childcare for in-person appointments. Regardless of the concerns you might be facing in your marriage, a therapist can help you and your partner address them and come up with some productive next steps. 

The efficacy of online marriage counseling

Research into the outcomes of couples counseling has shown that various types of couples treatment have proven to be effective, specifically in their ability to reduce relationship stress. Furthermore, studies on the efficacy of online therapy consistently show it to be as effective as face-to-face modalities, and research that specifically explored the effectiveness of online couples therapy found the same.

• Nine DIY Marriage Counseling Exercises To Improve Your Relationship Medically reviewed by Nikki Ciletti , M.Ed, LPC
• A Guide To Starting Marriage Counseling Medically reviewed by Nikki Ciletti , M.Ed, LPC
• Relationships and Relations

Experienced Counseling in Moscow, Idaho

For your marriage. for yourself., considering marriage counseling, all couples experience some rough spots., maybe you’re thinking:.

• It seems like we never really talk; when we do, we end up having the same argument.
• I don’t want it to be over, but I’m scared we’re not going to make it if we don’t get some help.
• Part of what’s going on is my fault, but I’m not sure how to change.
• We know there’s some past “stuff” getting in the way, but we don’t know what to do about it.
• I wish our relationship could be like it was before.

Something’s not working.

Maybe your marriage is pretty good, but it could use a tune-up. Or, maybe it’s really rough. You don’t want it to be over, you’re committed to seeing it through, but you’re tired of lying awake worrying.

You’ve lost sight of your strengths together, and you might have been thinking about marriage counseling for a while.

What if you could rebuild your marriage on trust, friendship, fun and intimacy?

Hi, i’m liz.

I’m Liz Miller, providing individual and marriage counseling in Moscow, Idaho. If pain has brought you here, I’m really sorry you’re hurting. I’m here to help you find relief, hope, and the skills you need to build a happy marriage or satisfying life. You might have lost sight of your strengths, or your partner’s, but keep reading. You don’t have to do this work alone.

I counsel couples who have gotten scared of talking to each other; who have unhealthy patterns; who still care for each other, but have become lonely. Sometimes trust has been broken. I work with individuals who aren’t comfortable in their own skins or with others, maybe because of trauma, anxiety, or grief. I have confidence from years of experience that there’s a logical reason why this is happening. You’re not alone, and there is hope.

I’ll show you doable approaches to change. I’ll help you get a handle on emotions so you can sort out conflict, resurrect friendship, get comfortable in your own skin, and learn new ways to create a vision for your future.

More about me. More about Couples Counseling. More about Individual Counseling.

Take The First Step

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What Are Family Therapy & Family Counseling?

Indeed, the “family” is considered “a fundamental organizing structure for human life from birth to death” (Wampler et al., 2020, p. 45).

However, like any other system or structure, it is prone to breaking down.

Family therapists aim to improve relationships and resolve conflicts within the family structure by working with all involved rather than individual clients (Metcalf, 2011).

This article explores the nature of family therapy and the many approaches therapists adopt to support positive change and growth.

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our three Positive Relationships Exercises for free . These detailed, science-based exercises will help you or your clients build healthy, life-enriching relationships.

This Article Contains

• What Are Family Therapy & Family Counseling? Definitions

Types of Family Therapy

• Online Marriage & Family Therapy Programs: Do They Work?

Recommended Family Counseling Books

Related resources from positivepsychology.com, a take-home message, frequently asked questions, what are family therapy & family counseling definitions.

Family therapists recognize that changing a family system (usually) means disrupting existing relationship patterns and interpersonal communications (Metcalf, 2011).

While family therapists adopt many approaches, they are each typically underpinned by the following four principles (Goldenberg, 2017):

• Family members are intimately connected, so therapy must focus on the beliefs of every member.
• Over time, family members living in close proximity “set up patterns of interacting made up of relatively stable sequences of speech and behavior” (Goldenberg, 2017, p. 26).
• The presenting problem’s context typically comprises the “interactions, beliefs, and behaviors that therapists observe and engage with” and can be considered the cause and effect (Goldenberg, 2017, p. 26).
• Family problems are often the result of challenges resulting from facing environmental shifts or life changes.

Family therapy and family counseling are closely related terms and often used interchangeably, but with the latter sometimes used as a broader term encompassing various therapeutic approaches and techniques adopted by psychologists, social workers, and other professionals to enhance communication, resolve conflict, and support families facing challenges (American Psychological Association, n.d.; Goldenberg, 2017).

Marriage and family therapy

Marriage and family therapy are forms of psychotherapy that help individuals, couples, and families improve their relationships and resolve conflicts. Their scope involves working with the couple or the entire family rather than one individual (Metcalf, 2011).

Despite differences in how family therapists go about providing opportunities for families to change, all attempt to create a therapeutic environment that (Goldenberg, 2017):

• Encourages self-examination in order to reduce discomfort and conflict
• Mobilizes family resilience and empowerment
• Helps the family members improve their overall functioning

Within marriage therapy , counselors may use various techniques, such as talk therapy, role-play, and homework assignments with the couple (Metcalf, 2011).

Family therapy for mom and son

Family therapy for mothers and sons can be an effective way to address issues that are affecting their relationship and the family as a whole. The therapist will identify communication and behavior patterns within the relationship that contribute to broader problems and suggest approaches to encourage greater understanding and reduce conflict (Metcalf, 2011).

Communication theory and its impact on family therapy

Communication theory involves studying how people exchange information and meaning through verbal and nonverbal messages (Fitzpatrick & Ritchie, 1993).

The impact of communication theory on family therapy and family counseling is significant and can be used to understand how communication patterns within the family structure contribute to or alleviate problems.

Therapists can use communication theory to identify patterns of communication causing conflict or distress within the family and to develop strategies for improving communication and resolving disputes, such as active listening, empathy, and assertiveness.

As a result, clients may be seen from very different perspectives depending on the type of family therapy adopted (Metcalf, 2011; Goldenberg, 2017).

The following is a list of several of the most influential types, but there are others present in the literature.

Structural and strategic family therapy

Structural family therapy and strategic family therapy approaches “are foundational in the field of systemic family therapy due to their emphasis on systemic process over content and altering family interaction patterns that create, maintain, or exacerbate problems” (Wampler et al., 2020, p. 460).

Developed in the late 1960s by Salvador Minuchin, and along with contributions from Charles Fishman, Maryanne Walters, and others, structural family therapy recognizes the importance of the individual within their social context (Wampler et al., 2020).

As such, individuals do not exist in isolation but in relation (both acting and reacting) to the family, with the “family seen as the vehicle for producing individual change” (Wampler et al., 2020, p. 462).

Consequently, rather than one individual being the “guilty party” or “symptom owner,” problems are distributed and often the result of a dysfunctional hierarchy or poor functioning within subsystems (Wampler et al., 2020).

Strategic family therapy arose out of the work of the Mental Research Institute in California in the mid-1950s. Unlike other therapeutic approaches that assume insight leads to change (changing through knowing), the strategic approach suggests change happens before understanding (knowing through changing; Wampler et al., 2020).

Shifts in perception and understanding the system’s rules and family interactional patterns are required to facilitate lasting change (Wampler et al., 2020).

Psychodynamic/psychoeducational therapy

According to psychodynamic theory, “humans have an unconscious mind that influences a person’s behavior” (Wampler et al., 2020, p. 417). As a result, we are often driven by simple, unconscious desires — such as pleasure — that are self-serving.

As far back as Sigmund Freud in the early 20th century, the impact of family on the individual’s character formation and unconscious mind was clear. Therefore, the psychodynamic approach to family therapy emphasizes the importance of exploring family members’ past experiences and relationships to gain insight and understanding into existing problems (Metcalf, 2011).

The psychoeducational therapeutic approach supports providing education and information to families about mental illness and challenging behavior patterns while developing treatment plans for the whole family (Metcalf, 2011).

Narrative family therapy (contextual)

Narrative therapy is recognized as being at the forefront of today’s family therapy and family counseling, “signifying that our knowledge of reality is organized and maintained through stories we tell about ourselves and the world we inhabit” (Goldenberg, 2017, p. 370).

After all, the stories — or narratives — we tell ourselves are the context of our lives. And yet, families often build and maintain self-defeating and harmful narratives about their members.

Narrative therapy involves “respectful, non blaming conversations in which clients are the experts in their own lives and assumed to have the skills and competencies needed to construct more positive stories about themselves” (Goldenberg, 2017, p. 371).

Narrative therapists support families in reframing problems from an internal deficiency or issue within the individual, couple, or family to an unwelcome narrative dominating their lives. The family is encouraged to unite against the problem as a separate entity — with its own political and social context — to be overcome (Goldenberg, 2017).

Circular questioning is a powerful technique used in narrative therapy. It involves asking questions about interactions and relationships within the family system to explore how family members perceive each other’s behaviors, emotions, and thoughts (Rogers & Cooper, 2020).

Systemic and systematic family therapy

Systematic family therapy (also known as systemic family therapy) focuses on the family as a whole rather than individual members. As such, it recognizes that individual psychological issues and conflicts are often influenced by and embedded within the more extensive family system (Goldenberg, 2017).

Using this approach, therapists and counselors consider the family as an interconnected system with unique communication patterns, roles, and dynamics. The approach requires them to establish an alliance with multiple individuals at once and manage various views of the therapeutic alliance (Goldenberg, 2017).

Ultimately, they aim to identify and address dysfunctional patterns within the family system that contribute to individual problems by challenging mental models, accepting ambiguity, and considering multiple generations (Goldenberg, 2017).

Functional family therapy

Functional family therapy is a well-researched approach to the family that “fosters both cognitive and behavioral changes in individuals and their families” (Goldenberg, 2017, p. 335), integrating learning, systems, and family therapy.

This form of therapy aims to go beyond behavior change, helping clients understand that how they act regulates relationships.

Studies have found functional family therapy to be particularly helpful in treating adolescents with problems with substance abuse, violence, and delinquency (Goldenberg, 2017).

Bowenian family therapy

Murray Bowen was a crucial figure in the development of family therapy and one of the developers of the family systems theory. His approach emphasizes both the significance of past relationships (psychodynamic approach) and the family as a unit (systems approach; Goldenberg, 2017).

According to family systems theory (or Bowenian family therapy ), there are eight interlocking concepts (Goldenberg, 2017):

• Differentiation of self
• Nuclear family emotional system
• Family projection process
• Emotional cutoff
• Multigenerational transmission process
• Sibling position
• Societal regression

Bowen preferred to think of himself as a coach, helping family members “become objective researchers into their own ways of functioning” (Goldenberg, 2017, p. 214).

Behavioral and cognitive-behavioral family therapy

“Behavioral and cognitive‐behavioral models for understanding and treating problems in couple and family relationships are well supported empirically” (Wampler et al., 2020, p. 493).

Cognitive interventions that encourage clients to identify those aspects of their thinking that contribute to negative emotional and behavioral responses within the family system have proven valuable, along with testing the validity of cognitions and replacing unhelpful thoughts with more helpful ones (Wampler et al., 2020).

Emotionally Focused Therapy for families

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) combines a focus on the self with a systems outlook.

EFT “views couples and families in both intrapsychic and interactional terms, helping them gain access to what is emotionally significant for each person” (Goldenberg, 2017, p. 248) while guiding their actions and explorations with the therapeutic relationship .

EFT practitioners focus on what is going on between people rather than what is inherent within each person. They help clients focus on their moment-to-moment inner experiences and relationship events.

Other approaches worthy of note include family constellation therapy and internal family systems therapy . The former focuses on events that have led to family breakdowns to restore balance within the family constellation, and the latter addresses individual healing and growth, recognizing the mind as a system composed of multiple distinct parts (Konkolÿ Thege et al., 2021; Sweezy & Ziskind, 2013).

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Online Marriage & Family Therapy Programs: Do They Work?

With marriage and family therapy and counseling programs increasingly moving online, it is vital that therapists have the necessary digital skills and competencies to support their clients.

In addition, they must consider the impact of remote treatment on the ethical and regulatory codes associated with their work, potentially across multiple borders and states (Blumer et al., 2015).

Equally important is the efficacy of online marriage and family therapy programs.

While the academic literature is limited, research confirms online treatment’s positive value and impact on marriage and family therapy for various issues. Studies have shown remote treatments’ positive effects as equivalent to in-person delivery, benefiting both relational and mental health outcomes (McLean et al., 2021).

Family counseling is a vital aspect of therapeutic treatment, with many valuable books to support new and existing therapists.

The following books are some of our favorites and help teach the theory, background, and practical steps involved in practicing family therapy and family counseling.

1. It Didn’t Start With You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle – Mark Wolynn

Mark Wolynn shares his deep understanding of inherited trauma in this groundbreaking book and offers new, powerful tools for relieving client suffering.

Wolynn’s extensive experience as a pioneer in inherited family trauma, coupled with his “Core Language Approach,” empowers readers to uncover hidden emotional legacies and provides practical techniques for reconnecting, integrating, and reclaiming life and health.

Find the book on Amazon .

2. Family Ties That Bind: A Self-Help Guide to Change Through Family of Origin Therapy – Ronald W. Richardson

This practical and easy-to-read book offers valuable insights into family dynamics and actionable techniques from family therapy and family counseling to help readers create healthier relationships.

This book explores topics such as self-esteem, spousal dynamics, birth order, and communication skills while guiding readers in understanding the impact of family background on interactions.

The authors offer step-by-step exercises to foster positive changes in all aspects of clients’ lives.

3. Family Therapy: An Overview – Irene Goldenberg

This engaging and comprehensive book equips therapists and interested readers with the knowledge and skills necessary for competent and effective family therapy.

With its practice-oriented approach, this ninth edition delves into essential viewpoints, intervention techniques, and the goals of family therapy, from evidence-based practice research to addressing issues of diversity, gender, culture, and LGBTQ families.

We have many resources available for therapists and counselors providing support to families wishing to improve communication and repair damaged relationships.

Why not download our free positive relationships pack and try out the powerful tools contained within? Some examples include:

• Identifying Our Expert Companions This exercise helps clients discover what they need from an expert companion and how to identify them among the variety of people they know.
• Connecting With Others by Self-Disclosure In this exercise, clients learn how to practice self-disclosure to increase their feelings of being understood, accepted, and cared for, boosting relationships and wellbeing.

Other free resources include:

• Mind the Gap Use this exercise to identify the values the client wants to instill in the family and make plans for their implementation.
• Meeting Our Family’s Needs Each family member is given the opportunity to have their needs heard, understood, and ultimately accepted in this helpful activity .

More extensive versions of the following tools are available with a subscription to the Positive Psychology Toolkit© , but they are described briefly below:

• Building Social Capital

An individual’s social capital is an accumulation of their positive network connections.

Clients can expand their social capital by focusing on their relationship quantity, strength, intensity, and density.

To do so, ask the client to try out the following steps:

• Step one – List the most important people in your social network.
• Step two – Assess existing connections’ strength, density, and intensity.
• Step three – Identify elements of your social capital that require attention.
• Examining Rituals of Connection

Rituals of connection are relationship-enhancing behaviors essential in family therapy and family counseling that symbolize intimacy and provide couples with a sense of stability, commitment, and purpose.

Nurturing a shared sense of meaning and maintaining commitment through rituals of connection is integral to a happy, satisfying, stable, and enduring romantic relationship.

Try out the following steps:

• Step one – Identify and reflect on your connection rituals with your partner.
• Step two – Assess whether the rituals are currently working for you both.
• Step three – Identify what you can do to improve or replace those rituals that require attention.

17 Positive Relationships Tools

If you’re looking for more science-based ways to help others build healthy relationships, check out this collection of 17 validated positive relationships tools for practitioners. Use them to help others form healthier, more nurturing, and life-enriching relationships.

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Updated monthly. 100% Science-based.

“The best positive psychology resource out there!” — Emiliya Zhivotovskaya , Flourishing Center CEO

Family therapy and family counseling recognize that families are organized systems and aim to improve relationships and resolve conflicts by working with all family members.

It disrupts existing unhealthy relationship patterns and communication styles and promotes positive change and growth within the family unit.

In doing so, family therapy emphasizes the importance of understanding family members’ beliefs and the sometimes-unhealthy sequences of behavior that can develop along with the contextual shifts and life challenges that contribute to family problems.

Communication theory plays a significant role in family counseling by analyzing how communication patterns within the family structure impact their problems. Therapists use the approach to identify and transform conflict-causing connection patterns and encourage conflict resolution.

There are various types of family therapy and counseling, each offering different perspectives and models for understanding clients. They offer diverse views that guide therapists in providing tailored interventions for families in need.

Ultimately, family therapy is a practical approach to improving relationships and reducing discord within the family system. Through its use, therapists can disrupt existing dynamics and promote positive change by considering all family members’ needs, beliefs, and values.

We hope you enjoyed reading this article. Don’t forget to download our three Positive Relationships Exercises for free .

Ed: Updated July 2023

The basic principles of family therapy involve:

• Working collaboratively with families to understand their relationships and interactions
• Identifying and building on strengths
• Developing more effective communication and problem-solving skills

There are many different techniques used in family therapy and counseling, such as:

• Genograms (visual representation of a family’s relationships and history)
• Mindfulness techniques
• Play therapy
• Homework assignments

One of the most commonly used types of family therapy is structural family therapy (SFT).

SFT focuses on the interactions between family members and how these interactions shape the family’s structure.

• American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Family counseling. In APA dictionary of psychology . Retrieved July 19, 2023, from https://dictionary.apa.org/family-counseling.
• Blumer, M. L. C., Hertlein, K. M., & VandenBosch, M. L. (2015). Towards the development of educational core competencies for couple and family therapy technology practices. Contemporary Family Therapy , 37 (2), 113–121.
• Fitzpatrick, M. A., & Ritchie, L. D. (1993). Communication theory and the family. In P. Boss, W. J. Doherty, R. LaRossa, W. R. Schumm, & S. K. Steinmetz (Eds.), Sourcebook of family theories and methods (pp. 565–589). Springer.
• Goldenberg, I. (2017). Family therapy: An overview . Cengage learning.
• Konkolÿ Thege, B., Petroll, C., Rivas, C., & Scholtens, S. (2021). The effectiveness of family constellation therapy in improving mental health: A systematic review. Family Process , 60 (2), 409–423.
• McLean, S. A., Booth, A. T., Schnabel, A., Wright, B. J., Painter, F. L., & McIntosh, J. E. (2021). Exploring the efficacy of telehealth for family therapy through systematic, meta-analytic, and qualitative evidence. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review , 24 (2), 244–266.
• Metcalf, L. (2011). Marriage and family therapy: A practice-oriented approach . Springer.
• Rogers, M., & Cooper, J. (2020). Systems theory and an ecological approach. In M. Rogers, D. Whitaker, D. Edmondson, & D. Peach (Eds.), Developing skills and knowledge for social work practice (2nd ed., pp. 259–268). Sage.
• Sweezy, M., & Ziskind, E. L. (2013). Internal family systems therapy: New dimensions . Routledge.
• Wampler, K. S., Miller, R. B., & Seedall, R. B. (Eds.). (2020). The handbook of systemic family therapy (vol. 1). Wiley Blackwell.

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very excellent description orderly arranged information was easy to understand the context

This is an excellent, and in-depth article that explains the multiple uses and strategies that a family therapist near you uses to help your family overcome obstacles and become closer to one another. With family therapy in Calgary, you and your loved ones will be feeling more in tune with each other than ever before, and you will likely learn something about yourself as well.

Hi, We are concerned for an adult 37 year old daughter and the therapy she is receiving from a particular Psychologist. We are located in NJ. Since she has been seeing this Psychologist for nearly 2 years, our daughter’s relationships with our family – parents and siblings have been going from bad to worse and now almost non existent. She has been angry about the past family issues and cannot seem to shed the past. She is a schoolteacher, a parent to a 9 and 12 year old daughters, and remarried last October. We are not a perfect family, however we are good people. Everyone has had their issues at one time or another but our daughter’s siblings have moved past the issues from when they were younger. Any advice you could give us would be a good start to improve our family. Thank you,

Hi Roseann, I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling disconnected from your daughter. What’s important (and constructive) is that she is working through her experiences of her childhood with a psychologist. When undergoing long-term therapy, people may find that they need space or emotional distance, at least temporarily, from those they feel are associated with their negative feelings so they can process them and decide how to move forward with those relationships. Here are some important questions to ask: Does your daughter have social support/people she can lean on elsewhere in her life (e.g., friends, her partner)? Does she have stability in her work and personal life? Does she seem healthy and happy? I cannot know your personal situation, but my suggestion would be to gently reach out, let her know that you’re there for her if/when she wants to reconnect, or chat about anything from the past, and then allow some space. We all process our past experiences differently, and for some, this may take a little more time than for others. I hope this helps, and best of luck. – Nicole | Community Manager

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Center for Biblical Counseling - Moscow Idaho

Biblical Counseling

Some Thoughts On Homework And…

Counselor Training , Family , Marriage · June 28, 2022

Some Ways Biblical Counseling Isn’t CBT

I view the Biblical Counseling homework as having four helpful effects.

First, homework gives more than one input to your situation than just me. I’ve been around for a long time and think I’ve learned a few things about life and godliness, but the homework adds another level to what I have to offer.

Second, homework, done regularly and well, gives you a different look at life. My goal is to have you think in more biblical ways than simply trying to figure out and live in a good or at least better marriage.

Third, homework is meant to help establish a pattern for living after we’re finished with counseling. If you only change during the time we are meeting and then you go back to life as it was, so will your relationships.

Finally, and most importantly, homework is meant to help you meet with God. I’m convinced that we change as we meet with various folks and who they are rubs off on us. If we hang out with a bunch of losers, it won’t be long before we are losers too. If we hang out with the creator of the universe, it won’t be long before we take on some of his characteristics. Our goal as Christians is to be like Christ and we can’t accomplish this goal unless we spend time with him. So, I give homework designed to help you spend time with him. Part of this is what Jesus said when he said, “lay down your life, take up your cross, and follow me.” We aren’t doing that if we are trying to add him to our already busy life. Laying down our life means getting rid of everything that gets in the way of following him with our whole heart. This is what was going on when Jesus told the rich young man that he couldn’t follow him unless he got rid of all his stuff first.

All this is why I’m so concerned about your doing homework. I can give good advice, but that doesn’t change hearts. And only changed hearts will produce changed lives. Only meeting with God, letting him transform you, and then obeying him, will produce the changed family you desire.

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How to Fix Your Marriage in 16 Hours

C ouples therapy—the venue for the messy job of tackling the disillusionment, betrayals, moribund sex lives and other issues that pop up between partners—has a new variant. Called “high-impact therapy,” it is rapidly gaining fans among those who’ve tried it.

Chris and Erin van der Velde took the plunge when they signed up for therapy with Ellyn Bader, a psychologist in Menlo Park, Calif. The van der Veldes, ages 60 and 59, respectively, run a sprawling golf resort together in Bend, Ore. Although the resort is successful, the pressures of managing 250 employees and a flood of customers had been taking a toll on both of them and their 34-year-old marriage.

“Our relationship suffered in part because there’s this constantly screaming baby we have to deal with,” says Chris van der Velde, referring to the resort. Says Erin van der Velde: “We were losing our sense of connection.” The two had already tried traditional couples therapy. But, Chris says, “There were a lot of sessions where I left wondering what I had just paid for.”

So this time, the van der Veldes turned to Bader, who has helped develop the high-impact approach, the centerpiece of which is the “couples intensive”—16 hours of highly structured work over a two-day period.

“It was like nothing we’ve ever done before,” says Erin. “You don’t have to be in a crisis to benefit from this.”

High-impact therapy (there’s also a shorter version called the four-hour mini intensive) is an increasingly popular strategy, as both psychologists and their clients have grown frustrated with the drawbacks of classic couples therapy, which they say suffers from a lack of continuity from one session to the next.

The regular approach

Conventional couples therapy typically involves weekly 50-minute sessions of the kind popularized by psychoanalyst Orna Guralnik in the Showtime documentary series “Couples Therapy.” On the program, couples from all backgrounds arrive in Guralnik’s New York office to try to hash out the things that have broken their relationship.

But critics of the traditional approach say that the relatively short (even if they sometimes seem endless) sessions make it hard to create momentum from session to session. New issues pop up, fresh disclosures get made, and much of what happened the week before is forgotten. A contentious point in the session can re-emerge on the drive home, sans the therapist. Or a nonsensical fight that happened the evening before therapy may completely take over the session.

“Traditional couples therapy has a place, but it also can be deeply frustrating for all three participants,” says Bader. Fifty minutes isn’t much time to delve deeply, she says. If the therapist talks for 10 of those minutes, there is only 20 minutes left for each partner.

Guralnik, however, is not so sure. “I believe in slow,” she says. “I do understand why it would be appealing to think you could fix your marriage in a weekend, but real change takes a long time.”  She believes the primary advantage of an intensive is that it can bring about deep revelations that can be further explored and worked on.

It is worth noting that couples therapy itself is a fairly recent phenomenon. Before the 1980s, marriage counseling was primarily the province of clergy and other counselors, and psychologists scoffed at the idea that they would do this work. Many, if not most, believed a true therapeutic relationship couldn’t happen with three people in the room, and that any change in the couple would be superficial at best. Yet the rise of new disciplines like family therapy, cognitive therapy and gestalt helped psychologists see that there might be room to try new things.

One of the more influential therapists spearheading this transition was Bader. She and her husband, Peter Pearson, founded the Couples Institute in Menlo Park in 1984, which encouraged therapists to treat relationships as well as individuals.

Bader, now the institute’s CEO, created something called “the developmental model” for couples. Introduced in 1988, it is a method that its advocates say has helped tens of thousands of partnerships in 70 countries.

The model charts the trajectory of successful relationships from the fantasies and infatuations of first love through four more stages that end with a full partnership and full acceptance of the notion that two people can work together more successfully and happily than one. At its most basic, Bader’s developmental model describes a path that couples travel on as they encounter the tensions that can arise from a continuing conflict between the desire for autonomy and the desire for connection.

One of Bader’s students was Lori Weisman, a psychotherapist in Bellevue, Wash. Six years ago, Weisman adapted Bader’s model to a 16-hour intensive program. Since then, more than 100 therapists from around the country have been schooled in this technique from Bader, Weisman and other trainers. The Couples Institute just completed its first round of training for people who will teach other therapists the technique. Bader herself has guided 60 couples through intensive sessions and Weisman about 100.

‘Intensive’ preparation

A big difference between an intensive and regular couples therapy is the early preparation that happens before the therapist even meets with the partners. Both candidates fill out five lengthy intake questionnaires about themselves and their relationship. (How do you resolve conflicts? What do you do when you get angry?)

Couples are screened for untreated mental illness, ongoing affairs, domestic violence and substance abuse. Those are usually disqualifiers and the couples will be referred elsewhere. The therapist may then spend several days crafting the intensive to take the couple’s specifics into account.

Sessions typically start at 9 a.m. in either an office or a hotel. There are several short breaks during the day and lunch is an hour (the therapist doesn’t eat with the couple). The day ends around 5 p.m.

The first day focuses on reviewing the intake answers together to target areas for growth in the relationship. In addition, couples also begin learning communications skills, including the importance of knowing how to actively listen rather than to react defensively out of insecurity.

There’s also a short introduction to neuroplasticity—the brain’s ability to repair and change by creating new neural pathways. This is central to developing new habits related to listening and responding (for instance, don’t argue with your partner until you have asked them enough questions about why they just said what they said). Couples must practice this stuff and the therapist will give them homework to do so.  (Couples often check back in with the therapist down the road for help staying on their new path.)

In Bader’s five-stage model of a couple’s development, stage two is where nearly everyone hits a rocky patch. They have departed the romantic fantasy world of stage one—“We like the same songs!”—and have started to become aware of disillusioning facts: interests that conflict, communications styles that don’t always mesh well, values that depart on important matters.

This transition can be dangerous if disappointments lead to distancing, avoidance, or out-and-out combat. In stage two, individuals also find it difficult to separate what belongs to them and what doesn’t—such as when one person blames the other without recognizing that they also played a role.

Most couples, Bader says, muddle along in stage two for as long as their marriage lasts, unable to see either themselves or the relationship clearly. Some, drawn by the euphoria of stage one, decide to regress and have an affair. Others, miserable in their plight, tear down their partners. Bader calls this stage “differentiation” because it is when couples do the hard work of candidly enumerating their differences so that they can work through them.

The second day of intensive therapy is largely devoted to “co-creating a new relationship,” says Bader. “From the very beginning, I tell people that the key question isn’t what you want to change in your partner, but what you are willing to change in yourself to have the kind of relationship you want.”

Chris van der Velde found day two the most difficult. “I learned that trust issues I had with my father were continuing to affect how I behaved in important relationships,” he says. “It isn’t even something I had thought about and yet here was this a powerful revelation.”

Some of the work during the final eight hours involves setting boundaries and priorities for the couple based on the goal they have created for their marriage. Communication tools are introduced and repeatedly practiced using various exercises under the therapist’s supervision. The therapist will encourage the couple to adopt a curious mindset toward themselves and each other. The goal now is to learn to respond to each other rather than merely react.

‘Epic progress’

Because it is new, no studies have yet been done to verify the value of intensive therapy. But anecdotally, many patients and therapists are enthusiastic. “People can make epic progress in this format,” says Katherine Waddell, a therapist who supervises intensives in Northampton, Mass. “During an intensive, couples can really slow down, turn their phones to silent, breathe, focus on one another and themselves. This prepares them to work on the issues that are at the very core of their relationship.”

Still, intensive therapy isn’t for everybody. For one thing, concentrating therapy into two eight-hour days can be too intense for some couples. Overwhelmed patients have sometimes stormed out of sessions or completely shut down.

The cost also will give some pause. Fees range from $7,000 to $15,000 depending on the therapist.

Still, many who have tried it find it liberating to have so much time to reveal what they truly think.

Andrea Tang, a therapist in Port St. Lucie, Fla., says the first intensive she conducted was with a couple in their 30s who were so cut off from each other that they’d head for opposite sides of a room. “They left holding hands,” says Tang. Transformations like these, she adds, “leave me speechless.”

More recently, however, another of Tang’s couples was so emotionally barricaded that the therapist eventually decided to cut the session short and send the 40-something pair on their way with a refund. “You can’t make any progress when no one is willing to be vulnerable,” says Tang.

A final advantage of intensive therapy: It can be easier for busy people to find a weekend to do it, as opposed to trying to squeeze their lives into a once-weekly time they both can reliably make. The therapist doesn’t have to be local for a weekend intensive. Some couples make it into a vacation.

The van der Veldes said they agreed to give up their confidentiality to talk about their experience because they want to help others. Both say they were stunned at how much the intensive improved their marriage and their lives.

“There’s been a ripple effect in our family,” says Erin van der Velde. “All three of our adult children have come to me at some point and said, ‘Mom, we are proud of how far you and dad have come.’ ”

John Koten is a writer in New York. He can be reached at [email protected].